


Dead Inside (But You Make Me Feel Alive)

by GrimWednesday



Series: Clockwork Heartaches [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Blood and Gore, Changkyun Whump, Character Death Fix, Depression, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Temporary Character Death, Time Loop, overprotective hyungs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 12:44:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14894864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrimWednesday/pseuds/GrimWednesday
Summary: Changkyun inadvertently triggers a neverending time loop, forced to watch his soulmate and friends die over and over and over again. After an immeasurable period of time enduring continuous disasters, Changkyun is an absolute mess and everyone slowly comes to the realization that one more cycle of living through hell will wreck him, irreparably.





	Dead Inside (But You Make Me Feel Alive)

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Please read the tags. There are graphic depictions of blood and gore and other unpleasant subjects such as mentions of suicide.

The first time Im Changkyun meets Chae Hyungwon, he has no idea that he’s met his soulmate in the middle of filming a reality survival show. Contrary to popular love stories and fictitious myths that he’s practically had shoved down his throat his whole life, Changkyun _doesn’t_ feel a jolt of electricity run through his body when he meets Hyungwon’s eyes as he sits down across from the man in the restaurant’s dining area. Truly, he doesn’t feel anything for Hyungwon except for the same wariness that he feels for all of the other trainees as they look at him through thinly veiled anger and hate. 

He can’t exactly blame them; he’s intruded into their competition after all of the hardships and eliminations they’ve gone through, after all the sweat, blood and tears that they’ve sacrificed to have a chance to debut in the cut-throat idol industry. Despite that, Changkyun can’t feel sorry for intruding when this is his last chance to make it. Instead of cowering under the stares and apologizing, Changkyun forces his spine to straighten as he introduces himself, staring back at the trainees with the same steely intensity they’re scrutinizing him with until they understand that he’s not really afraid of them. They understand, he knows they do as he takes in the trainee’s clenched fists and the silent gnashing of teeth at his impudent behavior. 

But Changkyun is far from stupid. Just like the trainees hate him right now, so will the viewers watching the show. He needs the fan’s support, needs to take advantage of whatever he can in order to make it to the very end. After all, the final elimination depended on fan votes as well the judge’s votes and he’s not fool enough to ignore this fact. So when K-Will leaves the dining room minutes later, Changkyun lowers his head and hides beneath the long fringe of his hair, and under the bright lights of the dining area, he puts on a fucking show for the cameras and pretends to be intimidated by the harsh words that the trainees throw at him despite the fact that he doesn’t give a shit. It was either this or go back to his hometown of Gwangju with his tail between his legs and he’d rather chop off his own foot with a rusty, dull hand saw than to prove his parents right when they’d predicted his failure as a rapper.

So in the end, Changkyun fools the cameras and the viewers into thinking he’s a meek and weak-willed person despite the fact that every other trainee knows the truth of his intentions. In the chaos that follows with moving into the dorm and filming the last few episodes of No.Mercy over the span of a couple of weeks, Changkyun forgets about soulmates and one true love and all that fake hallmark crap. It’s only when he’s standing on the raised platform meant for the final members of No.Mercy, when he’s prompted to look at the rest of his bandmates that he’ll spend years and years living with, when Changkyun properly meets Hyungwon’s eyes for the second time ever, that he finally realizes the extent of his blindness in his quest to win the damn show. 

_You don’t belong here. Go home, kid._

Those are the words written across his hipbone, in a small messy scrawl with black ink that will never ever fade. 

Those are the words that Hyungwon had first spoken to him late at night without a trace of a camera around while Changkyun moved his things into his assigned room, barely hours after he’d first met the slender man. The same words that Changkyun had disregarded with a disinterested blink as he stepped away from the man to put away his clothes into his assigned drawer. 

Those are the same words that he was born with and the same words that he’ll die with tattooed on his skin. 

It’s the same for every other person on earth. Everyone is born with the first words that their soulmate will say to them and the fucking hell of the matter is that Changkyun remembers the first word he’d said to Hyungwon in return, the measly single word that he’d muttered when he’d accidentally stepped on the older man’s foot on his way to the kitchen where everyone else was gathering for breakfast. 

_Sorry._ That’s it. That was the first word that Changkyun had spoken to his soulmate and the matter of fact is that Hyungwon hadn’t even responded in his tired, sleepy state. Why would he? Hyungwon had already met hundreds of people who’d said the exact same word to him; it wasn’t exactly rare. It was so ordinary, so common and mundane that the older man would probably never realize that Changkyun is his soul mate.

Blinking away the disconcertment at the sudden realization, Changkyun looks away from Hyungwon with a grim expression, grinding his tongue between his teeth and tasting blood.

Changkyun’s won the damned show and he’ll finally be able to debut, but at what cost? Somehow, his victory feels achingly hollow. 

**+**

It’s not like the situation is completely hopeless. Despite the fact that Hyungwon’s words were disgustingly common, Changkyun’s own words should be enough to prove to the other man that they are soulmates. The problem lies with Changkyun’s tenuous relationship with the other man, or lack of relationship, as it were. 

Now that he’s guaranteed to debut in Monsta X, Changkyun tries to make amends with the members and get closer to them considering that they’ll have to spend a good portion of their lives together from now on. The task is easier said than done considering that he’s taken Gunhee’s place in the final lineup. If Changkyun hadn’t joined the show, Gunhee would have won the final spot as Monsta X’s last rapper. It’s a fact; it’s indisputable and it also sucks because apart from being best friends with Jooheon, Gunhee was apparently really close friends with Hyungwon.

So, basically, Hyungwon hates his guts and Changkyun isn’t stupid enough to blurt out the secret about their soulmate status when it would earn him nothing but rejection and scorn.

Changkyun stays stubbornly silent and ignores the awkward silences and the small glares and the fact that Hyungwon always leaves the room whenever he enters it. Although Changkyun feels a small sting of rejection every time it happens, he’s not exactly heartbroken about it. The thing about soulmates was that it wasn’t love at first sight; Changkyun finds Hyungwon attractive but that doesn’t instantly make him enamored with the other man. If anything, the silent treatment and distrustful glances only make him want to ignore the older man’s presence and forget about the matter completely. So that’s what he does because nobody else knows about it and he can’t make himself care about Hyungwon when the older man clearly doesn’t care about him either. 

Half-a-year later, things have mellowed out a lot. Changkyun has started to care for his fellow members as much as they start to care about him. Jooheon is friendly and Minhyuk is talkative, and between the two, he opens up about his life and his hobbies and his interests. Kihyun starts to mother him unnecessarily and instead of hating it, Changkyun soaks up the attention like a sponge. Hyunwoo looks after him as well in a more indirect way, by helping him practice when he’s having a hard time with the choreo and by reminding him to stretch every time before a music show. Hoseok is touchy and sensitive and he bonds with Changkyun the quickest right after Jooheon, though that might have been because he finds Changkyun crying once late at night after a nightmare and he’d instantly drawn him into a comforting embrace.

Everyone accepts him into the group and Hyungwon...well Hyungwon does too, but his acceptance comes with the same stretches of silence between them except that they’re soothing more than anything. They’re not super close, but Changkyun finds that this is probably his fault. He’s no closer to being able to reveal the secret words on his hip bone and this translates to him acting awkward around Hyungwon at the same time that he finds himself inexplicably drawn to the older man. 

Another half-a-year passes by and Changkyun starts to notice the little things about Hyungwon, like his rumbling laughter and the slightly rough timbre of his voice, the smoothness and warmth of his hand as he pats Changkyun’s cheek to check for a fever, the lazy air of exhaustion whenever he wakes up from a deep sleep, and the small smile he reserves for Changkyun whenever he says something especially witty. 

Once, when they’re in front of the cameras and they’re forced to play the paper kiss game because their team lost, Changkyun ends up next to Hyungwon like some sort of divine punishment and the older man is laughing too hard to properly hold the thin paper between his lips; when Changkyun moves to transfer the paper over with his own mouth, Hyungwon exhales with laughter, blowing the paper away accidentally and their lips end up meeting instead. Hyungwon’s lips are slick with balm but undeniably soft and his breath is warm as he exhales into Changkyun’s own mouth.

Changkyun is barely able to enjoy the accidental brush of lips for the fraction of a second that it lasts before the older man is moving away quickly and falling to his knees as he doubles over with laughter while the rest of their teammates whine and scold Hyungwon for being so bad at the game at the same time that they stifle their laughter at the comical look on Changkyun’s face. Hyungwon smiles at him in apology, and Changkyun pushes the tall man away at the same time that he feels blood rushing to his cheeks. 

Changkyun’s become enamored with the older man and Hyungwon doesn’t even seem to notice. Any contact with the older man drives Changkyun crazy while Hyungwon hardly notices the same occurrences. Changkyun can hardly stand the tension between him and Hyungwon but he still can’t make himself blurt out the secret he’s been keeping for a year. Each day, the odds seem insurmountable. 

**+**

Their next concert is held in Tokyo, Japan. After the exhausting event, they’re given a couple of hours of free time to explore the city before they have to leave for the airport and catch their flight back home. 

After they finish eating dinner at a restaurant, Changkyun pulls on Hyungwon’s sleeve until the older man relents and orders dessert for him in semi-fluent Japanese. Minhyuk whines at Hyungwon until he orders dessert for him as well and Changkyun watches the proceedings with a small smirk. Although Hyungwon always appeared reluctant to speak Japanese, Changkyun knew that he secretly enjoyed the attention of the members whenever he helped them out whether it was ordering something or asking for directions. 

After sharing desserts, the group splits up and goes their own way. The crowded street is bustling with activity with numerous stalls and shops lining the block. Minhyuk drags Kihyun into a clothing store nearby and everyone else follows Hoseok into another colorful shop next door. Changkyun wanders around the small store and takes in the multitude of toys and souvenirs that are purely meant for tourists. He gets bored after a little while and leaves the store to get fresh air. Walking through the nearby stalls, Changkyun rubs at his stomach and inwardly hopes that he won’t be sick later; he ate entirely too much for dinner.

When he comes across a crowd gathered around a nondescript little stall, he instantly knows what the stall is selling. As if it’s not obvious by the paper heart charms and sickeningly sweet smell of incense emanating from the place, the fact that the stall is crowded by giggling couples is enough of a clue to signal that it’s something to do with love charms and fortunes. Changkyun watches from afar but curiosity eventually gets the best of him. Drifting in close to look at the paper charms and heart shaped amulets, Changkyun inwardly snorts at the sheer ridiculousness of the trinkets. He can’t believe that people can be so gullible to believe that a mere charm could help them find their soulmate. Ignoring the heart shaped crap cluttering the stall, he watches the wooden bead bracelets on display. They’re undoubtedly charms just like everything else but at least they don’t look tacky and the dark wooden color actually appeals to Changkyun.

Minutes later, Changkyun realizes that the stall’s owner is looking at him, a hunched over old crone with cloudy cataract eyes that seem to look right through him. Feeling awkward for having stood there for so long without buying anything, Changkyun picks up one of the cheap wooden bracelets and hands over the correct amount of yen into the withered old woman’s hand, inwardly wondering if she can see him at all through her milky white eyes. The older woman coughs into a handkerchief and croaks out something but Changkyun has no idea what she’s saying. 

“Watashi wa rikai shite inai gomen,” Changkyun intones word for word, the same words that Hyungwon had taught him on the plane trip. The words roughly translate to _I’m sorry, I don’t understand_ , but no matter how many times he repeats the phrase, the older woman keeps speaking to him in her rough, cracking voice. Down the street, he sees Hyungwon and Hoseok coming out from the souvenir shop and looking around as if looking for someone. He smiles politely at the older woman and wishes her a good day in broken Japanese, walking away from the stall quickly lest somebody actually catches him buying something from the love trinket stall. 

Changkyun stuffs the bracelet into his pocket and instantly forgets about it as he catches Hyungwon’s eyes. Changkun places a finger to his lips, asking the older man to stay quiet while he sneaks up behind Hoseok. Once he’s right behind Hoseok, he taps him on the back, scaring the shit out of the older man as he turns around startled. Hyungwon doubles over in laughter and Changkyun laughs as well while he ignores the faux glare that Hoseok sends his way. Jooheon comes back with Kihyun and Minhyuk in tow and after dragging Hyunwoo away from a stall selling grilled pork skewers, they head back to the van and return to the hotel.

The next day after they’ve arrived home from Japan, Changkyun finds the bracelet in the pocket of his pants while he puts his dirty clothes in the hamper. Changkyun slips on the wooden bracelet and continues emptying his suitcase, yelling back to Kihyun that he’d found the older man’s shirt in between his own clothes. Neither of them have any idea how it happened but it wasn’t the first time it had happened in the first place, their stuff got switched around quite often.

After a few days break, they release a second music video for a song from their album and start working on promoting the single and Changkyun doesn’t have a single moment of rest in between music shows and interviews and photo shoots. A full week passes by before he knows it and Changkyun isn’t any closer to revealing his words to Hyungwon than he was before. Rather than dwell on the matter, he puts it in the back of his mind and tells himself that it’s not the right time yet. 

“Let’s go eat, I’m starving,” Jooheon mumbles next to him from his slumped over position on the sofa. They’re waiting for their turn to shower but the smell of cooking meat is making both of their stomachs rumble with hunger. Even though they both know that the food isn’t ready, Changkyun follows after his friend as he walks into the kitchen and starts to pester Kihyun. The older man grumbles and complains but he still takes out a cold container of kimbap out of the fridge that he’d been saving for tomorrow’s breakfast. He gives them each a single roll and forces Jooheon to sit at the table instead of hovering around right next to the stove. 

Hyungwon is in the kitchen as well since it was actually his turn to help Kihyun. The only thing that he’s allowed to do is to wash and chop vegetables as well as gather spices. Although he can at least handle that much, the older man always takes too much time chopping ingredients and the last time he’d tried to dice an onion, he’d nearly cut the tip of his thumb off when he’d gotten distracted. Remembering the ugly cut that Hyungwon had to bandage for a few days, Changkyun quickly pushes the older man away from the counter and takes over the task after scrubbing his hands clean. 

“Oh come on, I’m not going to cut myself again. Last time was totally an accident,” Hyungwon drawls lazily as he leans against the counter right next to him. 

Changkyun snorts in disbelief and carefully slices the carrot into thin pieces like Kihyun had instructed him to. “I would believe you if it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve seen you hurt yourself _multiple_ times. You do realize that you’re the clumsy one in the group, right?” 

Hyungwon shrugs but the corner of his lips quirk up. “I thought that was you, didn’t you trip on nothing this morning and faceplant into the carpet?”

Changkyun feels his face heat up at the reminder but he glares instead. “I didn’t trip, I was just looking for something and it happened to be on the ground.”

“And you decided that _falling down_ would be the quickest way to get it?” 

At the incredulous look he receives, Changkyun picks up a slice of carrot and throws it at the older man. “Yes,” he grits out and Hyungwon smirks in response, picking up the slice of carrot and throwing it at the back of Kihyun’s head.

“Oi, what the fuck are you doing? Get the hell out of my kitchen, you assholes!” Kihyun bellows out as he stirs a boiling pot on the hot stove top and at the dark look that he sends their way, all three of them scurry out of the kitchen without looking back. 

A minute later, Changkyun ducks back in to grab another roll of kimbap and after he narrowly escapes Kihyun’s wooden spoon trying to whack him over the head, he tears the kimbap roll in two and stuffs the other half in Hyungwon’s mouth while Jooheon falls face down on the couch and whines that he’s still hungry.

**+**

**DAY: 1**

It’s four a.m. on a Saturday and the endless dark midnight sky was slowly turning to dawn yet Changkyun had yet to go to sleep. The last music show recording had been brutal and demanding and they were all drained and sleepy. Relaxing into the padded seat, Changkyun tugs the hood of his sweater down even further and tries to block out the light of Jooheon and Minhyuk’s phones as he closes his eyes stubbornly. Everyone else is speaking about the events of the night, and he should join them for the sake of solidarity but he’s too tired to care about camera angles and outfits and other useless gossip.

Later on, he wakes up to the sound of the van stalling and the unpleasant smell of oil burning as the scent drifts in from the vents, blown in by cold drafts of air. The car is pulled over to the side of the road quickly while everyone stirs from their deep stupor to find out what is going on.

“Car trouble?” Hoseok asks, pulling out his earbuds. 

Hongshik nods from up front, a frown on his face as he opens the door and steps out to check out the problem. Hyunwoo follows and Changkyun grumbles at the smell of the acrid scent filling his nostrils before Kihyun tugs on his sleeve from the seat in front of him.

“Come on, let’s go wait outside and let the van ventilate for a bit.”

Changkyun ignores him and pulls down his hood, irritated for no good reason, though thinking back on it, it was mostly sleep that made him so unwilling to move. 

Kihyun snorts once before he pulls the door of the van open and everyone else shuffles out, half asleep and stumbling against each other. Changkyun resists for a few minutes longer before the sound of the hood opening and the van faintly shaking, accompanied by the sound of everyone else’s voices got to be too much and he abruptly pulls back the hood of his jacket and pushes himself out of the seat and out of the van, pushing past Hyungwon roughly in his careless state of mind. Hyungwon merely stares at him for a few seconds before he walks away, looking somewhat angry but unwilling to start a fight in the middle of the night after a long and gruelling day. 

“Watch yourself,” Hoseok mutters with a stern look, which Changkyun shakes off quickly and stumbles forward towards the wall of the brick building they’ve parked in front of, thankfully closed at this time of night. 

Everyone watches while Hongshik and Hyunwoo add more coolant to the van though it fails to clear the warning light on the dash. Minhyuk tries to troubleshoot the car with only a quarter of the knowledge needed to even drive one as he browses the web for clues and Hoseok gets behind the wheel and turns the key over and over. The time passes in the same useless way while Changkyun rests against the wall behind him and closes his eyes, trying to fall asleep once again even with the rough texture of the wall behind him.

Later, the sky stays dark instead of becoming brighter with morning light. This would be quite irrelevant to their circumstances because they’re stuck here regardless of the amount of light outside, except that in this case, the weather proves quite ominous as dark clouds overtake the feeble rays of dawn and pour down unrelenting sheets of rain. Changkyun huddles further into his oversized jacket and foregoes going back into the van like everyone else because of the amount of effort that it would require. Lightning flashes overhead and illuminates their surroundings for a fraction of a second. Changkyun opens his eyes wide at the sight and catches Minhyuk’s gummy smile through the open door of the van as he laughs at Changkyun’s startled expression. 

A bolt of thunder flashes down from the sky and hits Hongshik straight on. His heart stops beating immediately and he slumps over the car with a loud thump, the current passing from one of his hands to the next and skipping over to hit the open cap of the radiator holding the freshly poured coolant liquid. It catches fire instantly, and there’s a stunned moment of pure silence before the burning liquid triggers a loud explosion of flames that char Hongshik and Hyunwoo’s body beyond recognition at the same time that it engulfs the front of the van in its entirety.

There’s frantic screams coming from the inside of the van and the door jambs as Minhyuk and Hyungwon try to escape at the same time, while Kihyun screams for Hoseok who’s seated in the front seat as he flails in anguished pain from the flames clinging to his burning skin. 

“Hoseok, no, no, no!” Kihyun yells out, futilely trying to put out the flames covering his soulmate with his bare blistered hands. 

Changkyun shouts in alarm as he rushes forward and pulls on Hyungwon and Minhyuk’s hands but there’s something obstructing their way free, and the smoke is so heavy and the flames are starting to spread to the back of the van. Jooheon cries for help, thumping against the glass window in the very last seat in the back. His fists eventually slow as the smoke fills his lungs and suffocates him. Kihyun is the next one to stop screaming with his hands slowing in their frantic reaching for Hoseok, who is already long dead. Hyungwon and Minhyuk desperately call Changkyun’s name and struggle to get out, though Minhyuk looks resigned to his fate as the flames cling to his clothing. Minhyuk claws at his throat one last time before he slumps over with a choked gasp, smoke pouring into his mouth and nostrils. 

“Hyung! Hyung, get out, come on, get out! Hyung! Hyung!” Changkyun calls out hysterically, uselessly pulling on Hyungwon’s arm until it's wrenched from its socket from the force of his pulling.

“Stop, s-stop, it fucking hurts,” Hyungwon numbly cries with a shell shocked voice but Changkyun keeps pulling until the flames finally come to lick at Hyungwon’s lax body, the smoke pouring out of the van and stinging his eyes.

“P-please go,” Hyungwon tries to warn with his last dying breath, and Changkyun doesn’t understand, keeps pulling on the dead flesh of his arm until a loud blast sends him flying away, a sickening crunch sounding as he hits his head against the brick wall behind him. Through blurred and stinging eyes, he watches the flames engulf the charred skeleton of the van as sheets of rain pour down and hiss and spit as they encounter the ball of fire in front of him. 

“No, no, no,” Changkyun screams out repeatedly with his voice rough and cracking. His screams die off eventually, as the blood fills his throat and floods his lungs. Changkyun sees black, endless black before his breathing slows for the last time. 

**+**

**DAY: 2**

The sound of the alarm ringing from across the room startles him awake. Changkyun rises up with a loud gasp, clutching at his heaving chest as he struggles to catch his breath. His eyes sting at the reminder of the smoke and he can still feel the phantom sensation of blood sliding down his throat and drowning his lungs. He’s too hot and he thinks the flames have come close enough to engulf him as well, the thought sending him scurrying up so fast that he trips over his covers and lands heavily on the floor with a loud thump. 

The sound of a loud yawn catches him off guard and Changkyun looks up quickly and takes in Jooheon’s frown as he reaches over to turn off the infernal alarm clock next to his bed, going back to hide under the covers almost immediately after. Changkyun stares, his eyes wide and a minute later, the door of the room opens and Kihyun pops his head in. 

“Wake up, we’ve got an hour to get ready,” he intones, the same as every day before he walks away to warn the rest of the dorm’s inhabitants in the next room. This time, his wakeup call is pleasant but Changkyun knows from experience that the second reminder will be much less so, and the third warning, reserved especially for Hyungwon, was the worst of all. 

Sprawled over the floor with his blanket tangled around his feet, Changkyun feels completely lost. His breathing slows as he listens to the sounds coming from down the hall, the smell of breakfast wafting into their small room and the sounds of Hoseok and Minhyuk fighting for the bathroom so comforting in its familiarity.

“Just a dream,” Changkyun mumbles to himself, sighing as he rests against the floor, his heartbeat slowly calming down. The morning goes by as usual, and he eats and listens to everyone else talk amongst themselves and enjoy the warm meal though he can’t help the images that keep flashing past his eyes of their charred and burned bodies. He feels sick to his stomach and only picks at his food, watching his bandmates from the corner of his eyes.

Later, Hongshik comes to their dorm and reminds them of the day’s schedule, patiently listing out all of the events that they’ve got for the day. Listening to their itinerary, Changkyun starts to feel a cold chill that burrows into his skin and worms its way into his bones. The schedule is exactly the same as in his dream, down to every last detail.

Changkyun feels his legs give out underneath him and he stumbles back to sit down on the couch, feeling dizzy at the realization. Hyungwon glances at him with concern and Hoseok asks if he’s alright, and Changkyun visibly shakes himself. Everything’s fine, it was just a dream, that’s all.

Later on, Changkyun stays stubbornly awake after their gruelling schedule is completed and even if everything seems so similar to his dream, he can recognize that it’s not the same. 

For one thing, Hyungwon and Kihyun had kept watching him the whole day with a suspicious frown, though that probably had something to do with the chills he kept getting out of nowhere when a certain event reminded him of his dream, like when Jooheon fought with Minhyuk over the last sweet bun, or when Hyungwon had tripped in the lobby, or when Hoseok had fallen asleep on Kihyun’s shoulder after their music show rehearsal. The similarities are unsettling. Still, there _are_ differences. 

As the day drags on, Changkyun starts to forget about the dream in the midst of their busy and tiring schedule. His muscles are strained and sore and his brain feels like mush, his ability to concentrate fading with every repetition of their title song. 

After the music show recording ends, the whole group trudges out to the van and Hongshik gets behind the wheel to drive them home to rest for a few hours before they have to wake up again and repeat the process all over again in the ungodly morning hours. 

Although Changkyun wants to dismiss the freak dream he had last night, he can't help but feel paranoid and uneasy. Before their manager can start the van, Changkyun calls his name and catches his attention. “Hongshik hyung, maybe you should check the radiator first. I thought I smelled something burning earlier today and I don't want to get stranded in a strange place or something.” 

His comment is met with looks of confusion and bewilderment from everyone in the van. “Are you sure? I didn't smell anything,” Hongshik belatedly asks. 

“Neither did I,” Hyunwoo adds and everyone else tiredly mumbles an assent as they settle into their seats. 

Changkyun gnaws on his lip. “Can you please check, hyung? I'm sure I smelled something.”

Hongshik shrugs. “Sure, kid. I'll be right back.” 

A few minutes later after popping the hood open and tinkering around, Hongshik goes around the van to open up the trunk to get a new container of coolant which he quickly and efficiently puts in the radiator. A few minutes more and the hood of the van is closed and their manager returns to his seat, looking at Changkyun through the rearview mirror with a grateful smile. “Thanks, Changkyun-ah, you were right.”

Changkyun waves off the comment with a low sigh of relief at having avoided a catastrophe, although he’s too tired to realize that he had correctly predicted the occurrence because of his dream. Still, he stays awake for a good while, making sure that the van doesn’t stall again. Nearly twenty minutes later, he’s practically swaying in his seat from lack of sleep. 

“Go to sleep, I’ll wake you up when we get there,” Hyungwon mumbles next to him. Changkyun lazily turns to glance at Hyungwon, blinking slowly as he ponders the offer while simultaneously trying to shake off the weird feeling in his gut. Still… They’re almost to the dorm and nothing has happened apart from Kihyun grouching at Jooheon to stop drooling on him. Changkyun feels safe enough to lean on Hyungwon’s shoulder to rest his eyes momentarily, mumbling thanks under his breath. It starts raining a few minutes later and even the torrential downpour isn’t enough to stop Changkyun from falling asleep. 

Changkyun’s only able to catch bits and pieces of what happens next, it happens so fast. There’s a sharp squealing sound of the car skidding against the gritty asphalt road, a loud deafening sound as the car veers off its course and suddenly crashes into something hard and unyielding. Changkyun is thrown against Hyungwon, the seat belt digging into his body so hard that he’s afraid that it’ll cut right through him. His head thunks against something hard and Changkyun instantly falls unconscious. 

Seconds later, or is it minutes? Changkyun abruptly wakes up with a jolt, muffling a loud sob as his head throbs with pain. He feels so weird, his head feels so heavy and his arms are floating above his head weightlessly. The van is upside down and his body is dangling in the air, but he won’t notice that detail until later, because as his eyes adjust to the darkness of the van, he sees Kihyun looking back at him and he startles. 

“Hyung! Hyung, what happened? Hyung are you okay?” 

There’s no response. Changkyun closes his eyes and shakes his head stubbornly, ignoring the burning splitting pain in the back of his head. “Hyung! Kihyun hyung!” Kihyun’s eyes remain open and unmoving and the longer Changkyun stares, the more he feels uncomfortable and upset. “Kihyun hyung!” Changkyun yells out angrily and it takes all of his willpower to stretch out a hand and pat Kihyun’s face. His head moves limply and at the rough movement, a dark stain starts to spread from his neck, slowly dripping down his face and covering it with red sludge. Kihyun is dead and Changkyun screams, backing away as much as he can but he can’t move at all because he’s hanging upside down and the seatbelt is still digging into his body.

“No! No, fuck!” Changkyun yells out, looking away from the body dangling in front of him and turning sideways as he suddenly remembers his soulmate. “Hyungwon! Hyungwon!” Changkyun yells out desperately and when he turns to the side, Hyungwon looks back at him through a bloody grimace. 

“E-everyone is d-dead, Changkyun-ah,” Hyungwon answers him with a pained whisper, voice rough like gravel. Changkyun cries out at the realization, feeling his mind start to split at the seams as his heart pounds in overdrive. The adrenaline coursing through his body is enough to get him moving once again despite his body’s wretched state and Changkyun strains against his seatbelt until he’s able to grab Hyungwon’s wrist, clutching it tightly in his hand like a lifeline. 

“You’re fine! Hyungwon, hyung, you’re-you’re fine! No, don’t move, it’s okay, s-somebody will be here soon.” Changkyun pleads, tears blurring his vision until he’s barely able to see Hyungwon’s face.

Hyungwon moans in pain, low and terrible as he breathes out raggedly. “I love you, Changkyun-ah. I’m-I’m so s-sorry. I don’t want to die, d-don’t let me die, p-please. I..I..”

Changkyun strains against the seat belt, clutching Hyungwon’s wrist tight enough to crush the bones under his hand but it doesn’t matter anymore. Through his loud pleading cries, Changkyun is barely able to hear the older man’s death rattle as Hyungwon exhales one last time and goes deathly still, eyes wide open and staring right into Changkyun’s own terrified eyes.

Belatedly dropping the crushed wrist in his hand, Changkyun turns around to look for another survivor, hoping against hope that Hyungwon’s wrong and that somebody is alive after all. 

Hyungwon… Hyungwon is not wrong. 

Next to Kihyun, Jooheon’s body is crushed against the shattered remains of the window and his face is missing a jaw. On Kihyun's other side is Hoseok’s deathly still body, covered in the same gritty red sludge that now completely covers Kihyun’s face, a stray piece of sharp metal digging into his broad chest. Minhyuk is barely recognizable with all of the glass buried in his face, a particularly large shard embedded into his eye socket. When he futilely cries for Hyunwoo, Changkyun barely sees a headless body in the decimated remains of the passenger seat before he scrunches his eyes shut impossibly tight and screams and screams and screams but nobody answers his call. 

Changkyun cradles his head through his tears and feels warm, warm mush trickling out of a large gash in the back of his head. “Why?” Changkyun cries out one last time before he succumbs to the sick feeling in his stomach, throwing up bile and blood all over his own face at the same time that brain matter seeps out of the large gaping wound in the back of his head. His nose is filled with liquid and Changkyun struggles for air for a few measly seconds before black overwhelms his eyesight completely and his breathing slows to a complete stop.

**+**

**DAY: 3**

Changkyun wakes up with a loud laborious gasp and chokes on the saliva pooling in his throat. Stumbling out of bed, he trips on the covers and yells out as he falls on the cold floor. He hears the sound of rustling and hurried footsteps but Changkyun barely registers the sound as he abruptly empties his stomach on the tiled floor. The bile burns his throat but he doesn’t care as his mind flashes through the grisly scene of the aftermath of the car accident.

“Changkyun-ah? Changkyun-ah, what’s wrong, is your stomach upset?” Kihyun murmurs and the next second, there’s a hand on his back, rubbing warm circles while everyone else starts to file into the room, curious about the commotion. Changkyun ignores the questions that follow and the warm hand on his back, he pushes away from his bandmates and looks around wildly, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. 

“What—what day is it?” Changkyun asks with chattering teeth and everyone looks at him in confusion at the random question. 

“It’s Friday,” Hyungwon answers quickly, noticing the panicked look on the youngest’s face. The words don’t make Changkyun feel any better and he exhales roughly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Changkyun musters out through a heavy breath and when everyone else keeps looking at him with worried gazes and confused frowns, Changkyun sinks his hands into his hair and abruptly walks out of the room, ignoring the calls that follow. He locks himself into the bathroom and sits in the bathtub and tries to forget about the nightmare while he rocks back and forth.

He ignores the frantic knocking on the door for a good hour until Hyungwon’s worried voice manages to break through the delirious haze in his mind. “Please, Changkyun-ah, open the door! We’re just worried about you, brat!” 

Remembering Hyungwon’s painful last words, Changkyun gets out of the bathtub slowly and staggers forward to unlock the door, blinking as he takes in everyone gathered around the doorway. Kihyun and Hoseok look angry and Hyunwoo disapproving and Changkyun knows that it’s because he locked the door. Beneath the angry masks, he can tell that they’re really worried. Changkyun stumbles forward and clutches onto Hyungwon, burying his face into his chest and breathing out slowly, teeth still chattering. Hyungwon whispers comforting words against his temple, rubbing at his back but even when Hoseok and Kihyun ask him what’s wrong, Changkyun stays silent. 

Kihyun pulls on his sleeve gently and tries to steer him into the living room and Changkyun turns around and wraps his arms around him in a tight hug, tight enough that he can feel the older man's heartbeat through their clothes. Kihyun grunts before he picks up Changkyun and carries him to the living room. They sit down on the sofa and everyone gathers around Changkyun, rubbing at his back and tousling his hair and patting at his thigh in comfort. 

“It’s okay, Changkyun-ah, whatever it is, it’s okay. You’re alright now,” Kihyun murmurs and Minhyuk reaches over to press a soft kiss against Changkyun’s cheek at the same time.

Changkyun shakes his head in response, tries to tell them that they’re wrong, and that there’s something fucked up going on in his brain and that he just saw them die in his dream for the second time in a row, but instead of saying anything, Changkyun releases Kihyun and climbs onto Hyunwoo’s lap and trembles as he remembers his headless body. 

“Can we stay home?” Changkyun asks with a pleading voice, and when Kihyun and Hyunwoo exchange a glance, Changkyun shakes his head. 

“No, no, not just me, I—I want all of us to stay home, please,” Changkyun mutters out. 

“We’re busy today, Changkyun-ah, we can’t afford to. One of us can stay with you if you want,” Kihyun begins, but Changkyun vehemently shakes his head.

“No, no, no! All of you stay here, please, fucking please,” Changkyun begs, reaching for Jooheon’s hand at the same time that he pats at Minhyuk’s face softly to reassure himself that there’s no glass buried into the skin. “I’ll never ask for anything ever again, please, I promise I’ll do anything you want, just stay here!”

Everyone is spooked by the desperation in his voice and the haunted look in his eyes is enough to convince them. Hyunwoo passes Changkyun off to Hyungwon as he gets up, followed by Hoseok. They head for the kitchen and call the manager and tell him of the circumstances and although Changkyun can still hear the manager’s angry reprimands all the way from the living room, he can’t find it in himself to care. He tangles his arms around Hyungwon’s neck and breathes in his scent and tries to reassure himself that everything will be alright now. 

His bandmates obviously want to ask what’s wrong but the few times they try, Changkyun clams up and buries his head into the covers that surround all of them as they lay on the carpet in a close-knit pile. Eventually, they give up asking and Changkyun starts to relax as the day goes on and the morning turns to dusk. Kihyun forces him to eat dinner and Changkyun swallows the food in his mouth though it tastes like ashes and blood. He falls asleep tangled in between Hoseok and Hyungwon. 

In the early hours of the morning, right before dawn, the floor shakes ominously. Changkyun wakes up with a yell caught in his throat and he watches everyone else’s surprised faces as everything in the apartment starts to rattle. Their knick-knacks fall off shelves and the sofa skids against the loose floor, and everyone screams as the floor of their apartment starts to crack. 

“Earthquake! We’ve gotta get out of the apartment!” Hyunwoo yells out with a stern voice that hides his shaky fright. Hyungwon and Minhyuk pull Changkyun up from the tangle of blankets at the same time that Jooheon cries out when a piece of heavy plaster falls from the ceiling and hits his forehead. He starts to bleed instantly and Hoseok pulls him into his arms as Kihyun rushes for the door to the apartment.

“Hurry up,” Kihyun yells out shakily as they step out of the apartment and run to the stairs at the end of the hall. The walls start to crumble and cracks start to appear on the floor, warning them of what’s to come. Everything creaks loudly as things fall and break and glass shatters and when the floor opens up in front of Minhyuk, he yells as he falls through the hole, accidentally dragging Kihyun with him. Changkyun screams their names at the same time that he tightens his death grip on Hyungwon's hand while they run for the staircase. 

They barely make it, but somehow they’re able to fall through the doorway at the last minute as the floor in the main hallway crumbles into pieces. Changkyun’s knee is bleeding from a large gash and Hyungwon’s arm is broken and Hoseok keeps trying to turn back for Kihyun, but Hyunwoo forces them to keep walking down the stairs with a stern voice that betrays the sorrow on his face. Jooheon keeps praying underneath his breath while he holds onto his bleeding temple and when they finally reach the emergency exit, he yells incoherently in relief. His yelling is cut short when the ceiling caves completely and crushes them all underneath.

Changkyun doesn’t pass out this time; he’s awake enough to see Hyungwon bleeding out of his mouth and his eyes and his ears as his torso is crushed underneath tons of plaster and shattered wood. Jooheon cries for help from a few feet away, though his cries keep getting weaker every time until he’s completely silent. If Changkyun were able to turn his head from underneath the debris holding him down, he knows that he would see Hoseok and Hyunwoo’s limp bodies but he doesn’t want to see anything at all, he just wants everything to disappear. 

“Why?” Changkyun cries out. “Why does this keep happening?” He bleeds out too fast to voice anymore of his thoughts and the last thing he sees is Hyungwon’s lifeless eyes gazing straight at him while blood keeps dripping down his face. 

**+**

**DAY: 4**

Changkyun wakes up the next morning and throws up on the floor. Jooheon and Kihyun rush forward and ask him what’s wrong and Changkyun simply pushes away from them and grabs his phone to check the date. 

It’s Friday. 

Changkyun rushes into the bathroom and throws up again and he’s too dazed to make out the conversation around him as he futilely tries to scrub the bloody images from his mind. He tries to convince himself that it’s all a nightmare and when Kihyun whispers to him if he would be alright staying at home by himself, Changkyun stays silent. 

Later, everyone leaves and Changkyun stays bundled up in bed, holding onto the bunny plushie that Hoseok had pushed into his hands. He stares at the wall and tries to fall asleep but it’s hard when all he can see is Hyungwon staring back with blood pouring out of his eyes. 

Later that night, Changkyun stumbles into the living room and turns on the music show to watch the live performance. Halfway through the song, a steel beam falls from the stage and traps Hyungwon, Jooheon and Hyunwoo underneath it’s weight. Changkyun throws the controller at the TV in a fit of rage and incoherent madness, and when the controller bounces off, he gets up and puts his leg through the whole thing, smashing a hole into the screen at the same time that ragged plastic shards stick to his leg and bury themselves into his fragile skin. In the process of destroying the TV, he slices open an artery by accident and all Changkyun can do is laugh while he bleeds to death on the cold floor all by himself. 

**+**

**DAY: 12**

Changkyun tries his best to avoid any potential disasters but despite his caution and after forcing everyone to take the train a few cities away, the train still somehow manages to derail and crash even though that should have been close to impossible. With his legs severed from his body and Hyungwon’s hand lifelessly clutched in his, he dies with an angry curse trapped in his mouth.

**+**

**DAY: 54**

A gunshot to the back of the throat really hurts.

**+**

**DAY: 97**

Swallowing a whole bottle of sleeping pills doesn’t hurt any less. It takes hours for him to die and the last thing he sees is Hyungwon’s crying face, but at least the other man is still alive and the sad sight is still better than anything else he’s seen in awhile. It’s peaceful while it lasts.

**+**

**DAY: 153**

He stops killing himself after a while because he’s getting tired of making his friends cry without being able to tell them the reason. Just because he stops killing himself doesn’t mean he stops dying.

**+**

**DAY: 326**

He tries to tell them what’s happening. Sometimes they believe him and sometimes they don't. This particular cycle, they don't. 

He explains what’s happening with a resigned voice and they listen and they pat his head and hug him and whisper comforting words into his ears but they don’t really believe him, he can tell. When the stage collapses underneath them and when the fans cry all around them as Minhyuk and Kihyun succumb to their injuries, Changkyun pulls himself out of the wreckage, dragging around his useless arm as he screams at Hyungwon and Hoseok and Jooheon and Hyunwoo, the only ones alive to hear his angered cries though only temporarily as their bodies start to shut down one by one.

“I fucking told you!” Changkyun rages, reaching out to smack at Hyungwon’s bloody chest with the crushed remains of his hand. “I told you this would happen! Why didn’t you believe me!”

**+**

**DAY: 712**

When they’re assaulted by knife-wielding maniacs, Changkyun manages to steal the knife from one of the thugs and he quickly kills the man, pushing him aside in favor of stabbing the next one. When it’s done and over with, he looks back and notices that it’s too late anyway; everyone is dead and Hyungwon has a knife buried into his temple. Changkyun turns the knife on himself and cuts out his heart for the hell of it. 

**+**

**DAY: 1,255**

Changkyun doesn’t even know how a grenade ends up in their waiting room, but when the explosion has died down and the cries ring out across the shattered remains of the building, Changkyun crawls forward until he finds the rest of his friends, filing away the image of Hoseok and Kihyun’s bodies cradled into each other in death. 

Changkyun continues crawling forward on his hands and knees until he finally finds Hyungwon and he stares down at the ragged body pierced through with sharp fragments of metal, glass and wood. He’s still alive but he’s also in immense pain and Changkyun knows that he’ll continue to be in pain for hours before he finally succumbs to his injuries. The small anguished cries that leave Hyungwon’s cracked lips are enough for Changkyun to make up his mind quickly. Ignoring Minhyuk’s pitiful whine from a few feet away, Changkyun places his hands on either side of Hyungwon’s lovely face and quickly snaps his head to the side until his neck cracks, effectively killing him. At least he’s no longer in pain. 

Even in death, Hyungwon looks beautiful. Changkyun leans down and presses a small kiss against his bloodied lips but no matter how long he stares, his soulmate remains dead. 

A few minutes later, Changkyun leaves him behind and crawls forward to find Minhyuk. He tugs the injured man against his chest and whispers comforting words into his ears. He offers to end his life and Minhyuk resists. 

“No, no, p-please don’t,” Minhyuk cries out in a rough voice, digging his fingernails into the skin of Changkyun’s blistered hands. “D-don’t leave me, please, I don’t want to d-die.”

Changkyun blows out a resigned breath and presses a kiss against his temple, humming a lullaby that Kihyun had taught him long ago. 

“Why is this happening?” Minhyuk whispers with his last breath and Changkyun lets out a hysterical laugh as he tugs the dead weight of his cooling body closer and cradles him in his arms. 

“Because god hates me. Hell, I don’t even think there is a god, anymore.”

**+**

**DAY: ???**

Changkyun wakes up and blinks into the still air of the room. Jooheon yawns from across the other bunk bed and shuts off his alarm and Kihyun pokes his head into the room and tells them to get up and get ready. Changkyun lays in bed and exhales slowly. He’s so tired of everything. His head is aching with a throbbing headache and his mind feels sluggish and slow. 

He doesn’t know how long he stays there but when he hears the sound of Hyungwon’s angry shout, he reluctantly staggers out of bed and slowly walks to the bathroom. Hyungwon’s already there, hair sopping wet from the pot of water that Kihyun had thrown at him to get him to wake up. Changkyun looks through the medicine cabinet and digs around for the bottle of painkillers while Hyungwon brushes his teeth right next to him. 

“Headache?” Hyungwon mumbles around the toothbrush in his mouth and Changkyun grunts in response as he finally catches sight of the bottle on the top shelf of the cabinet. He reaches up and stretches on his tippy toes and Hyungwon chuckles as he spits into the sink and quickly rinses his mouth. Before Changkyun can grab the bottle of painkillers, Hyungwon stretches his arm out and easily takes it from the top shelf, holding it up high with his hand and grinning at Changkyun. 

“It sucks to be short, doesn’t it?” 

Rather than the quip he expects, Changkyun merely looks at him through tired eyes, sighing in exasperation. Hyungwon bites at his lip roughly and quickly hands over the bottle, looking apologetic. 

“Sorry, I shouldn’t be teasing you when you don’t feel good.”

Changkyun takes the bottle and walks away, heading towards the kitchen where he can get a cold bottle of water from the fridge, feeling his tired limbs protest at the movement. He feels like he’s run a million miles and walking is such a monumental effort, like wading through molasses. When he walks into the kitchen and interrupts Kihyun sharing a small kiss with Hoseok, he looks away. 

“What are you doing here?” Kihyun asks in a flustered tone, heat spreading to his face. Hoseok coughs out slightly before he walks to the living room quickly as if fleeing. Changkyun doesn’t know why they’re so afraid to be touchy in front of them all, it’s not like everybody doesn’t know that they’re soulmates. 

Changkyun ignores Kihyun’s question and roots through the fridge, wondering if the stove behind him is going to explode any second or if the ceiling will cave in a freak accident. It wouldn’t be the first time. 

Nothing happens though, and he stares into the open fridge with a bored expression. He sees the bottles of water right away but instead of taking one, he reaches past it to grab a green bottle of soju. Cracking the lid against the counter until it pops off, he chugs down half the bottle in one go before he heads to the living room to have the same fucking breakfast for the nth fucking time. Changkyun sits down in the empty space between Hyungwon and Hoseok and before he can take another swallow of the clear liquid, Kihyun reaches across the table and tugs the soju away from him quickly. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Kihyun asks sharply, shaking the bottle accusingly. “We’ve got work to do, Changkyun, we can’t have you drunk on stage! Besides that, you’re too young to drink, what were you even thinking?!”

Changkyun stays stubbornly silent and ignores the confused and shocked looks around him. Underneath the table and out of view, he opens the lid of the bottle with painkillers and empties a handful of pills into his hand, quickly bringing them to his mouth and swallowing them dry before anybody can do anything about it. Hoseok shouts in surprise and grabs the bottle, wrenching it away from him forcefully.

“Changkyun! Changkyun what did you just do?? You can’t take that many pills!” Kihyun shouts out at the same time that Hyungwon picks him up by the arm urgently. 

“I have a headache,” Changkyun mutters out blankly in response. 

“You need to throw up right now!” Hyungwon pleads with a shaky voice, trying to lead him to the bathroom and Changkyun snorts at the same time that he roughly pulls away from Hyungwon’s grip, sending him crashing into Jooheon. 

“I’m not going to fucking die,” Changkyun mutters out, “not from this, anyway. I’d need to take at least another twenty pills for it to really affect me.” He would know, he’s killed himself from pills an innumerable amount of times. He knows the bare minimum required by now. 

Minhyuk whines with disbelief and runs to the bathroom, coming back with a bottle of liquid medicine meant to induce vomiting. Changkyun tears the bottle away from him and opens the lid but instead of swallowing a dose, he empties it out on the ground as he struggles against Hyunwoo’s arms wrapping tightly around him while the liquid splatters all over them both. 

“I’m calling one-one-nine.” Jooheon yells with a scared expression.

Changkyun sighs in aggravation and goes lax, allowing Hyunwoo to hold his weight completely. “If you do that, I’ll take the gun hidden in the floorboard next to the nightstand and I’ll shoot myself,” Changkyun mutters as he glares at everyone. 

“What?” Jooheon mumbles out in confusion at the same time that everyone else tenses up. It’s a secret; the gun is there for safety in case of a break-in and Changkyun has seen it in action a couple of times when their apartment was invaded in previous cycles. Only Jooheon and Changkyun aren’t supposed to know about it and as he takes in the scared expressions on everybody’s faces, he snorts. 

Jooheon shakily grabs his phone from the table and Changkyun lets out heavy grunt as he tries to break away from Hyunwoo’s grip. He’s too damn strong. “I mean what I said, you think I don’t? If you call one-one-nine, I’ll fucking shoot myself or I’ll take more pills whenever I get the chance, or I’ll jump off a fucking building.”

“Why would you say that?” Minhyuk asks with tears streaming down his face. Hyungwon reaches across and takes the phone away from Jooheon’s shaky hold, quickly smashing the phone against the floor until it breaks. Changkyun sighs in relief as he sags further into Hyunwoo’s tight hold. He’d rather not spend the day in the hospital or the loony bin, he hates that clinical smell that surrounds those places and he’d rather not be psychoanalyzed by another fuckwit. He knows he’s fucked up, he doesn’t need yet another psychiatrist to tell him that. 

“We need you to throw up,” Kihyun interrupts the painful silence with a stern voice, trying and failing to look brave. “Either you do it yourself or we’ll do it for you.”

Changkyun closes his eyes shut tight and sighs regretfully. He doesn’t care anymore, it’s too much effort to keep up with everything.

“Changkyun, do you understand what I’m saying?” Kihyun repeats and Changkyun opens his eyes and glares balefully at the older man. Kihyun doesn’t deserve his ire, none of them do, but he can’t help himself.

“Whatever,” Changkyun mumbles sullenly and a few minutes later, he’s carried to the bathroom carefully and forced to kneel in front of the toilet. When Changkyun doesn’t make any move to throw up, Hyungwon pushes past Kihyun and Hyunwoo and kneels behind the youngest member, prying his mouth open and sticking his slender digits into Changkyun’s mouth until he gags from the force. Even when Hyungwon’s fingers get coated with slick, he doesn’t stop until Changkyun leans over and violently starts to throw up, bringing up the soju and the pills from earlier as well as the remains of last night’s dinner. The sight of the partially digested pills clinking against the toilet bowl is enough to make everyone exhale in relief as they watch from a few feet away. 

Without a word, Hoseok opens the medicine cabinet and starts to take out every single pill container, systematically throwing them away into the trash can next to the sink. Minhyuk quickly helps him and together, they get rid of every single pill in the house as well as the razors and the scissors and everything sharp they can find. 

“The gun,” Hyunwoo whispers as Hoseok picks up the overflowing trash can and motions to leave. Hoseok nods in understanding and Changkyun hears him walk away before he leans over and throws up, the scent of bile making him sick all over again. Hoseok’s probably going to hide the gun somewhere else and Changkyun laughs roughly at the ridiculousness of the whole situation, ignoring the sting that makes his throat ache.

He stops laughing when Kihyun forces him to swallow down a whole glass of salt water, ignoring his loud protests. He throws up a third time soon after and once it’s all done and over with, Changkyun breathes out roughly as he leans into Hyungwon’s chest, tired beyond belief. He just wants to go to sleep.

Hyungwon lifts him up and holds him as he leans against the sink counter. When he makes no move to wash his mouth, Minhyuk grabs the green toothbrush from its holder and brushes his teeth for him with a small shaky smile while Changkyun looks into the mirror and takes in the worried expressions of his friends. Jooheon looks shell-shocked and Hoseok looks beyond worried, biting at his lips roughly and watching him in full alert. Changkyun knows that if he tries anything else, Hoseok will overpower him quickly. He’s ruined his chances of suicide this time around, everyone is watching him too closely now.

Hyunwoo and Kihyun are absent from the room but he can hear them moving around in the living room. Their manager should have arrived by now and he hopes that they’ve gotten rid of him. He doesn’t want anybody else to see him like this, disheveled and dirty from the bile running down his shirt. There’s sweat pouring off of him now and he knows that it’s from the traces of medicine his body had absorbed before he’d been forced to throw it back up. Either way, Changkyun knows that he looks like shit. 

After Changkyun spits out the foam in his mouth, Hyungwon cups water into his hand and brings it up to his lips, helping him rinse. Changkyun allows the treatment and allows himself to be moved from the bathroom to the living room, where Kihyun is waiting for him with a warm blanket. 

“Take off the shirt, it needs to be washed,” Hoseok patiently instructs and Changkyun sighs as his arms are lifted up and he’s forced to take off the dirty red shirt he’d been wearing to be replaced by a clean sweatshirt. The next thing he knows, he’s being swaddled in the blanket and laid down to rest on the floor amidst the pile of pillows that Kihyun and Hyunwoo had dragged from one of the rooms.

Despite the expectant looks, Changkyun stays silent as he breathes in the scent emanating from the pillows. He doesn’t want to do anything but sleep and even though he closes his eyes and tries to do exactly that, he can only hold out for so long when he can practically feel the tension in the room as well as the multitude of worried eyes looking at him. 

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself,” Changkyun mutters as he lazily drags his eyes open, taking in Minhyuk’s tearful gaze from where he was wrapped in Hyunwoo’s arms. 

“I’m sorry if I don’t believe you when I saw you with my own eyes,” Jooheon mutters angrily and Changkyun slowly turns to look at him. The dead look in Changkyun’s face makes Jooheon close his mouth shut tight. 

“Then what were you trying to do?” Kihyun interrupts and Changkyun sighs but everyone waits for him to respond despite their clear disbelief. They don’t really believe that he wasn’t trying to kill himself.

“I told you, I have a headache,” Changkyun drones out. 

“Changkyun-ah, please don’t lie to us,” Hyungwon pleads and something inside Changkyun just _snaps_. He’s heard the same phrase before, in various different contexts but of course Hyungwon never remembers because the day keeps rewinding and wiping his memory clean. It’s happened so many times that Changkyun can’t even count anymore and he growls as he struggles against the blanket swaddling him but it’s too tight to allow him any movement. 

“I’m not fucking lying! I’ve never lied! I’ve told you before, I’ve told you a thousand fucking times, but it never makes a difference! I’m so fucking tired of this shit!” Changkyun yells out loudly, startling everyone. 

“What are you talking about?” Hyungwon answers in a carefully gentle tone at the same time that Kihyun reaches over to rub at Changkyun’s back as if to comfort him. Changkyun strains against the binding blanket and ignores the sting in his eyes and the way his throat closes up painfully. He pushes past all of that and manages to free one of his hands out of the blanket which he uses to grab onto Hyungwon’s shirt and pull him down to his level, glaring into the surprised honey brown eyes of his soulmate. 

“No! Don’t look at me like that! Listen to me, _fucking listen!_ I wasn’t trying to kill myself, understand? And even if I was, why would it matter? Nothing matters anymore, no matter how many times I try to change the timeline, it always gets fucked up! I’ve tried, okay! I’ve tried to save you so many times and it never fucking works and I’m s-so tired of seeing you die! You never remember anything, but I do! I remember every single time you die! I’m the one who has to deal with all of my nightmares coming to life s-so just, just fuck off!”

Breathing out harshly into the still room, Changkyun abruptly lets go of Hyungwon’s shirt and closes his eyes, trying to will away the tears. There’s no point crying, tears won’t make the situation resolve itself.

“Changkyun-ah, baby, we have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kihyun says regretfully from a few feet away and Changkyun snorts in disbelief. 

“You never do,” Changkyun mutters. A hand grips his chin and tilts his head up and Changkyun opens his eyes in surprise to look at Hyungwon’s troubled expression. 

“That’s not fair to us,” Hyungwon hisses back. “You’re angry at us but we have no idea why and you keep speaking in riddles and accusing us of not understanding but how can we understand the situation if you don’t tell us in the first place? What is going on? Tell us, from the beginning.” 

Changkyun glares at the older man. _From the beginning?_ Hah, what a joke. As if it was that easy, as if the hours and days and years of pain and death he’d lived through could be explained through mere words. 

Although Changkyun would like nothing better than to turn over and ignore the questions and the ensuing confusion that will follow if he tries to tell them the truth, he holds back the vitriol wanting to spill out and stays silent long enough to swallow the mean, bitter words.

“I’ll tell you on one condition,” Changkyun relents, looking away from Hyungwon’s sharp gaze and focusing on Kihyun’s worried frown. Kihyun won’t like his condition. None of them will, but Kihyun will hate it most of all because his father had died from his alcoholism when he was younger and Changkyun isn't supposed to know that but he does anyway. He knows all of them more than they could ever know. 

“What’s the condition?” Hyunwoo hazards out carefully. 

“Let me drink soju. I need something to loosen up my tongue,” Changkyun mumbles amidst the sea of confused expressions and worried glances surrounding him. 

“That’s not an option,” Hoseok grits out before Kihyun can even open his mouth. Hoseok was always so protective of his soulmate, it was quite admirable. 

Admirable qualities or not, Changkyun’s still pissed by the refusal. He grinds his teeth together in response, staring at the ceiling with a faraway expression, counting the tiles over and over again. Kihyun, Hyungwon and Hoseok try to talk to him and Hyunwoo murmurs out gentle words of encouragement from a few feet away while Minhyuk continues to cry silently and Jooheon looks disoriented by the train of events but Changkyun could care less. He ignores the noise of their meaningless babble while he inwardly wonders how they’re all going to die today. 

He zones out so badly that he doesn’t notice when he’s released from the swaddle of blankets or when Hyungwon and Hoseok frantically check his breathing or when Kihyun’s hand pats at his cheek as if to wake him up.

“Changkyun-ah, Changkyun-ah, baby, wake up,” Hyungwon keeps pleading but it's only when Minhyuk pushes a cold bottle into his hands that Changkyun forces himself to respond, slowly waking up from the deep fugue he’d entered. He sits up and leans back to rest against the sofa, blinking slowly to clear the bloody images from his mind while everyone else breathes shakily at the action, relieved. 

He knows that he’s acting unpredictable and that he’s being so unreasonable, but he has a reason to. He’s past the point of breaking, he’s just so tired of everything. Today won’t matter in the long run, no matter what he says, no matter what he does, nothing will change. No matter how weird he acts, they’ll forget it by morning as the day starts anew. 

“Buckle up, kids,” Changkyun chokes out through a hysteric laugh, chugging down the alcohol and trying to forget the taste of blood in his mouth. Kihyun watches him disapprovingly but he looks too freaked out to say anything. Changkyun feels sorry for him but he can’t stop. He drinks the whole bottle and blindly stretches his hand out for another one, which Hyungwon reluctantly hands over while looking like he hates himself for doing so. 

Changkyun knows why they’re so against him drinking, he’s not even of age yet, but it’s not like it’s the first time that he’s gotten drunk. He knows his limits. When he clinks the empty bottle on the floor and stretches his hand out for another one, Hyungwon hesitates. 

“I—this isn’t a good idea,” Hyungwon murmurs, way too late for it to really matter. Changkyun frowns and stares at the slender man, watching Hyungwon gnash his teeth together in worry and frustration. 

“Half a bottle more, that’s my limit,” Changkyun whispers and Hyungwon eventually relents, handing over the third bottle. Changkyun is tempted to finish the bottle, enjoying the faint haze that settles over his mind and the calm, slow thrum of his heart. Still, when Hyungwon’s hand touches his wrist and pulls gently, Changkyun swallows slowly and puts down the half-empty bottle on the floor. 

“Please tell us what’s going on,” Kihyun prompts quietly. 

Changkyun rubs at his eyes tiredly and pulls his knees close to his chest. “I’m stuck in a repeating time loop. No matter what I say or what I do, all of you end up dying somehow. I’m no exception to the rule but after I die, I open my eyes and wake up in bed on Friday morning as if nothing ever happened.”

There’s a long silence that follows while everyone tries to process the crazy, impossible words. Changkyun just waits for the questions, licking his dry lips while he turns to gaze at Hyungwon out of the corner of his eyes. 

“I t-think you just had a really weird dream,” Minhyuk musters out carefully, afraid of his reaction. Changkyun shrugs carelessly. 

“Okay, yeah, it was all just a dream,” Changkyun drawls out. “Then how do you explain the fact that I knew exactly where you were hiding the gun?” 

“You must have heard us talking about it,” Hoseok patiently rationalizes after a moment of silence. 

Changkyun snorts in exasperation and reaches for the bottle of soju once more but Hyungwon’s hand on his wrist stops him along with the stern glare sent his way. 

“I don’t have the patience for this today,” Changkyun musters out, leaning back and exhaling loudly. “Listen to me, and understand that I’m not a fucking stalker, okay? This is all things that you’ve told me before in the time loop that I wouldn’t have known otherwise.” 

“I don’t think—” Jooheon says apprehensively before he’s cut off. 

“When you were young, you had a cousin that was like a sister to you. She died from hypothermia,” Changkyun interrupts. Jooheon clinks his mouth shut and stares at him through wet eyes, but Changkyun ignores the look as he turns to glance at Minhyuk. “When you were six, you fell into a pool and your uncle saved you. That’s why you can’t swim, because you were too afraid to learn after the accident.” Changkyun turns to look at Kihyun and ignores the scared look on his face. “You were thinking about leaving the company before we debuted and the only reason you didn’t was because of Hoseok.” Changkyun skips past Hoseok completely and focuses his gaze on Hyunwoo, unshakable Hyunwoo who stares at him through warm brown eyes. “When you were young, your house was invaded by a pair of robbers and you nearly died. That’s why we have a gun in the dorm, because you‘re afraid that it’ll happen again.”

Turning his gaze to his own soulmate, Changkyun sighs. “I could say more, but I don’t think you want me to.”

“Say it,” Hyungwon says with a challenging expression. 

Changkyun stares at him for a few seconds but he figures that it doesn’t matter if he reveals the secret anyway because everyone would forget about it in the next cycle. “You tried to kill yourself when you were younger.” 

Hyungwon shuts his mouth tight and looks away, avoiding everyone’s shocked expressions. A painful silence follows in the wake of Hyungwon’s secret being revealed. 

A few minutes later, Kihyun stirs and clenches his fists tight. “How-how did you know that I wanted to leave the company before? I’ve never told anybody apart from Hoseok.”

Changkyun growls and grabs the open bottle of soju next to him, forcefully throwing it against the wall where it shatters into pieces. “I fucking told you already, I’m stuck in a fucking time loop!” Changkyun yells out, getting up from the tangle of blankets and cursing as he walks away. Hyungwon grabs his wrist before he can walk away and quickly wraps his arms around him and Changkyun tries to push him away but he feels hazy and uncoordinated from the liquor in his system. Changkyun groans as he tries to get free but in the end, Hoseok and Hyungwon push him back into the blankets and Changkyun ends up sitting in between Hoseok’s legs with Hoseok’s arms wrapped tight around him like a strait-jacket.

They’re afraid he’s going to hurt himself again and no matter how many times Changkyun yells out that he just wants to go to sleep in his own shitty bed, they won’t release him even though he twists and turns and curses them all out. Eventually, Changkyun tires himself out and he pants as he leans back to rest his head on Hoseok’s shoulder, watching Kihyun, Jooheon and Minhyuk cleaning up the shards of the soju bottle from the floor. 

Changkyun watches them all trying to piece themselves back together after the revelations, watches Minhyuk clutching Jooheon to his chest and wiping away the tears while Hyunwoo steps into the kitchen and comes back with a kettle of hot tea. Changkyun inwardly wonders if the teapot will spew out hot water and burn them all in a freak accident. Nothing happens. Instead, Kihyun takes the kettle and pours a cup for everyone. Changkyun glares at his own cup as it sits a few feet away from him, impossible to reach in his situation. 

Everyone drinks the tea and calms down and reassess the situation meanwhile Changkyun glares at his own teacup until Hyungwon reaches for it and blows until it’s lukewarm and most of the heat has gone. He places the cup against Changkyun’s lips and Changkyun glares at the older man but he opens his mouth anyway, sipping at the almost cold liquid until he’s finished the cup. He’ll have to piss later from all of the liquid he’s imbibed and he inwardly wonders if he’ll be allowed to go by himself. Probably not. The thought makes him snort but he ignores the questioning looks. 

“Tell us more about the time loop,” Hyunwoo eventually ventures out, interrupting the quiet that had settled over the room. “How long have you spent in the time loop and do you have any idea why you’re the only one stuck in it? Have you tried telling us about it before?” 

“I don’t remember how long it’s been. I don’t know what else you want to know about the time loop. I wake up, I try to change the events of the day, I fail, you die, and then I wake up _again_.”

“That’s not…that’s not very helpful,” Kihyun exhales and Changkyun huffs in irritation.

“I’m sparing you the details of your grisly deaths, I’d thought you’d appreciate it.” Slowly trying to will away the ire, Changkyun ignores the poignant silence. “I’ve told you before about the time loop. A lot of times, actually. More than a hundred times, more than I can count, honestly. I haven’t done it in a while because...whenever I tell you, the deaths are more gruesome than normal and it’s… it’s very hard to swallow, okay? I’m—I’m desensitized to it to a certain extent, but those times…” Changkyun closes his eyes shut tight and breathes out slowly, trying to ignore the images flashing behind his eyes. 

He doesn’t ever want to see Hyunwoo get skinned alive again, doesn’t want to re-live the nightmare of watching Jooheon and Minhyuk be tortured for hours and hours while they cried for mercy and prayed to a god that didn’t exist. He doesn’t want to see Kihyun and Hoseok’s devastated expressions as they cried for each other, the countless times they’ve been forced apart and killed in front of each other again and again. He doesn’t—he doesn’t want to see Hyungwon clutching at his intestines and futilely trying to push them back inside where they belong, doesn’t want to see his beautiful face ravaged a thousand different ways, and he absolutely doesn’t want to see Hyungwon’s heartbroken expression when Changkyun dies first the rare few times that it happens. 

“Changkyun-ah,” Hyungwon murmurs and Changkyun snaps his eyes open, realizing that he’d zoned out once again. 

“I’m fine,” Changkyun answers by pure reflex.

Hyungwon gnaws on his bottom lip and shakes his head. “You’re not fine.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” Changkyun responds with a weary expression. “I’m tired. I just want to sleep.” 

“You can’t,” Hoseok whispers from behind him and tugs him closer, nuzzling into his nape with affection. “Don’t zone out again, okay?”

Well, it’s not like Changkyun can fucking help it, can he? 

“It’s apparent that you can’t break the time loop by yourself. Those times that you’ve told us, what have we tried to do?” Kihyun interrupts, leaning over to grab the empty cup sitting in front of him and refilling it with tea. Hyungwon blows on it to cool it down once again before he lifts it up to Changkyun’s lips. Changkyun swallows the lukewarm tea, ignoring the goosebumps that form when Hyungwon wipes away the liquid spilling from the corners of his mouth.

“We’ve tried moving cities,” Changkyun mumbles. “We’ve tried moving countries. We killed ourselves simultaneously to try to break the cycle and end everything. We hired a team of bodyguards. We hired a witch—completely fake by the way, I fucking told you. We—fuck, there’s so many. I mean, what haven’t we done?” 

At Hyunwoo’s gentle prompting to list out more occurrences, Changkyun forces himself to remember once again, voicing out each separate occurrence and its disastrous outcome systematically in an almost robotic voice, leaning back on Hoseok’s shoulder until he can look up and count the tiles of the ceiling once again. He stops eventually, abruptly cutting himself off mid-sentence. He’s not done listing out everything but he’s too tired and his throat is parched and he keeps wondering if the ceiling fan is going to come crashing down on him but it hasn’t happened yet. 

Despite the hectic events of the morning and the confrontations, it's still relatively early in the day and the accidents didn’t usually start happening until late at night. They’ve still got time, but Changkyun almost wishes that it would end prematurely. Today has been so draining, the same as every other time that he’s tried to tell them before. He almost prefers to keep his silence because it’s easier to swallow when he sees them die. An unexpected death was better than a dreaded one, in his opinion.

Changkyun catches his breath while everyone else discusses their options and subtly argue with each other, trying to stay calm and collected for Changkyun’s sake. They keep watching him as they speak, as if they’re afraid that he’ll zone out once again or that he’ll disappear like smoke. They’re treating him like glass but Changkyun’s not so delicate, not anymore. Instead of focusing on their words, Changkyun tries to ignore the full feeling in his bladder. Eventually, he can’t stand it anymore.

“I need to piss,” Changkyun mumbles out against Hoseok’s shoulder and everyone startles from their deep discussion. “I need to take a shower too, I’m fucking sweaty all over.” 

Everyone glances at each other, wary of allowing him to do anything by himself when he was clearly a little bit off his rocker.

“I pinky promise that I won’t kill myself,” Changkyun cheerfully informs them with a fake smile and nobody laughs at the obvious sarcasm in his voice. In the end, Hoseok and Kihyun follow him to the bathroom while everyone else keeps talking about the matter. 

Changkyun’s too tired and drained to do anything so he simply shrugs off his clothes under Hoseok’s careful supervision and steps under the spray of water, ignoring the heat of Kihyun’s body behind him as the older man soaps his hair and scrubs at his scalp gently. Changkyun doesn’t need to be babied, but he’s too tired to protest so he allows himself to be washed from head to toe, enjoying the sensation of the warm water for a long amount of time. When the hot water starts to sting his skin, Kihyun reaches over and abruptly shuts off the tap. Hoseok wraps him in a dry fluffy towel and he’s extra careful when he helps Changkyun step out of the tub. He’s barely heard about every accident and freak occurrence that Changkyun has lived through but he’s heard enough to be extremely cautious. Kihyun leads him to the room where he takes out a set of clean clothes for Changkyun. 

After he finishes putting on a clean pair of pajama pants, Kihyun glances at his arm. “You shouldn’t have taken a shower with your bracelet on. Actually, where did you even get it? I don’t remember seeing it before.” 

Changkyun hums distractedly and lifts up his arm, glancing at the wooden bracelet. He quickly drops his arm and shrugs. “I forgot I had it on,” Changkyun mumbles out. It’s the truth, he doesn’t actually remember having it on at all; once he’d put it on, he had completely forgotten about it. 

Changkyun reaches for the clean shirt on the bed and tugs it on. The material is soft and comfortable and he feels infinitely better at not being sweaty and sticky anymore. 

“Changkyun?” Hoseok asks and Changkyun looks up, glancing at the older man and waiting but Hoseok doesn’t say anything else, simply exchanges a worried look with Kihyun. Hoseok motions to pick him up and Changkyun ducks away. 

“I’m fine,” Changkyun mumbles and he starts to walk toward his bunk bed but Kihyun stops him.

“Sorry, Changkyun-ah. I know—I know you’re not feeling good right now, but we’re trying to figure this out and we can’t do it without you.” 

Rubbing at his temple in frustration, Changkyun sighs in exasperation. “It doesn’t even matter, everything will repeat tomorrow. Come on, hyung, I’m tired. I want to sleep.”

Kihyun doesn’t budge and even Changkyun glares at him, he remains steadfast in his resolution. A few minutes later, Hoseok picks him up and takes him back to the living room. It’s no use trying to fight the older man but that doesn’t stop Changkyun from cursing him out and growling when he’s forced to sit down with his back to Hoseok’s chest once again, strong arms holding him in a protective embrace. Changkyun feels like a recalcitrant child and even when Hyungwon reaches over to pat his cheek gently, he still feels angry despite the affection.

“Changkyun-ah, where did you buy the bracelet on your wrist? You never answered the question,” Kihyun starts cautiously. 

Changkyun blinks at the question and looks away, embarrassed to tell them of the stall where he’d bought it from. “It doesn’t matter,” Changkyun musters out as everyone’s eyes settle on the cheap wooden thing around his wrist. 

“Why don’t you want to tell us?” Minhyuk asks with his eyebrows furrowed. 

Changkyun rolls his eyes. “It’s just a cheap little thing, it doesn’t matter.”

“You got in Japan, didn’t you? Right after the trip, you started wearing it,” Hyungwon pipes in. “...Why are you so reluctant to tell us the truth?”

Changkyun bites his lips. “It’s stupid, that’s all, okay.” 

At Hyungwon’s deep piercing stare, Changkyun huffs out. “I got it from this stupid little trinket stall. They were selling wooden jewelry and some love charms or something, I mean, I can’t read Japanese so I have no fucking clue but I just assumed because of all the heart-shaped crap they were selling.”

Almost instantly, Hyungwon reaches for his wrist and takes off the bracelet, pulling it away from him and holding it under the light. “Fuck,” he curses under his breath and everybody else looks freaked out as well as they crowded around the slender man. 

“What the hell are you doing? It’s just a stupid little bracelet,” Changkyun mutters out sullenly, but everyone ignores him except for Hoseok who keeps holding him tightly like an immovable statue. At least he’s warm and Changkyun huffs out as he watches everyone reach for the bracelet. The bracelet is extremely plain, made up of unadorned wooden beads around a red string holding them together.

A few minutes later, Hyungwon pulls out his laptop and Kihyun grabs his own as they instantly start to research the bracelet. Everybody else does the same with their phones and Changkyun watches with an annoyed glare. At least it’s quiet now, with everybody so focused on doing research. 

An hour later, Changkyun’s stomach growls and Minhyuk quickly gets up and heads to the kitchen, returning with a warm bowl of rice porridge. He tries to feed Changkyun but Changkyun quickly turns his face away. 

“Let me eat by myself. I’ve actually choked to death on food before, I don’t exactly want to repeat the experience.”

Minhyuk looks spooked at the warning and when Changkyun’s released so he can eat, Minhyuk quickly hands him the bowl, though the older man stays kneeling in front of him and watches him eat with a worried-sick expression.

“If you stare at me too long, I might end up choking from the uncomfortableness,” Changkyun deadpans and Minhyuk quickly backs away and retreats to the other side of the room, looking away from Changkyun resolutely as if he was afraid that Changkyun’s warning would come true. 

“That was mean,” Hyungwon mumbles from a few feet away. 

Changkyun rolls his eyes. “I’m not a nice person anymore.” 

The truth of the matter is that the last person to die in the previous cycle of the time loop had been Minhyuk and the gruesome scene keeps replaying in his mind but nobody needs to know that. Let everyone think he's an asshole, it's partially true anyway. He’s not the same person that he used to be. 

After he forces down a few spoonfuls of the porridge, Changkyun drinks some water and settles into the covers once again. He’s tired from everything and the warmth feels entirely too inviting. He doesn’t want to think about the next catastrophe that will strike them, doesn’t want to think about having to see his friends die once again, so he closes his eyes tight and pretends that he can’t see the bloody images in his mind as they repeat over and over. Eventually, he falls asleep.

**+**

Changkyun wakes up to the feeling of a hand gently shaking him awake. He jolts awake and rises up from the tangle of covers with a yell caught in his throat. 

“It’s okay Changkyun-ah, you’re okay,” Hyungwon reassures him and Changkyun looks around the room wildly in disorientation. He’s not in his bunk bed and Jooheon’s alarm isn’t blaring, he still caught in the same cycle as before. Releasing the breath he’d been holding, Changkyun notices the shaky smile that Minhyuk sends him from across the room and when he turns to look at Jooheon, the younger man looks down at the floor with a slight grimace. It’s entirely too silent in the living room and everyone looks uncomfortable and upset and Changkyun doesn’t know the exact reason why but he has a pretty good idea that it has something to do with the painful scratchy feeling of his throat. He’d probably been screaming in his sleep, how typical. 

“What time is it?” Changkyun asks, choosing to ignore the elephant in the room. 

“It’s six thirty-five p.m. right now,” Hyungwon answers as he hands Changkyun a bottle of water.

Only a couple of hours have passed and there's still hours to kill before anything starts to happen. “Greaaat, fucking kill me now,” Changkyun hisses, closing his eyes in frustration. This cycle has been particularly draining and he just wants it to end. 

“Don’t say that,” Hyungwon whispers and Changkyun huffs out an angry breath but doesn’t bother responding. 

A few minutes later, Changkyun sits up with Hyungwon’s help and leans back against the pillows surrounding him, trying to orient himself as he takes in the sight of the living room. He could have sworn that the tottering piles of books surrounding the living room weren’t there before and he watches as Minhyuk quickly turns the pages of a red leather bound book, eyes scanning the words on the page at lightning speed. Jooheon wasn’t much better, though his attention was solely focused on the laptop in front of him and his eyes were strained and red from the harsh light of the screen. 

“We made a trip to the library,” Hyungwon answers the silent question and Changkyun arches an eyebrow, interested despite himself. He hasn’t lived through this cycle before; sometimes the timeline repeated itself but this wasn’t the case this time. 

“Are you still researching that damn bracelet? It’s a waste of time,” Changkyun mutters and Hyungwon opens his mouth to respond but stops, as if hesitating. 

“Yes, we’re still researching the bracelet,” Hyungwon finally admits, carefully. “We’ll talk after dinner, okay? You didn’t eat breakfast and you hardly ate lunch. You need to eat.”

“I’m not hungry,” Changkyun retorts and Hyungwon frowns disapprovingly. 

“You have to eat.”

“And if I don’t? Will you force food down my throat?” Changkyun challenges, enjoying the discomfort in Hyungwon’s face. The uncomfortableness probably stemmed from the fact that he probably _would_ resort to such methods if he thought it was necessary. 

“...If you don’t eat, I’ll sic eomma on you,” Hyungwon promises and as if he was summoned, Kihyun enters the room at that exact time with a tray of food in his hands. Hyunwoo and Hoseok follow behind him, whispering something under their breaths. They’re too far away to make out what they’re saying and Changkyun’s half-suspicious that they’ll try to hold him down again but Kihyun just sets down the tray of food in front of him.

“Eat, Changkyun-ah,” Kihyun gently prompts, sitting down across from him. Hoseok sits next to Kihyun and Hyunwoo sits down on the sofa, a few feet away. Changkyun doesn’t miss the fact that they’ve effectively surrounded him while trying to be subtle about it. 

“How are you feeling?” Hoseok asks with a small reassuring smile but underneath the gentle tone, there’s something off about him. 

Changkyun stares at the older man until he understands the emotion that Hoseok’s trying to hide. “Why do you look so guilty, hyung?” Changkyun asks and watches as Hoseok cringes back. 

“Uhh, no I don’t?” 

“Did you go through my things?” Changkyun asks and at the poignant silence that follows, he snorts. “It’s not like you haven’t done the same thing before in previous cycles, I don’t give a shit.” 

Hoseok doesn’t have anything to say in response to that and Changkyun looks away from the older man to glance at Kihyun. At the stern expression on the older man’s face, he sighs and reluctantly stuffs tteokbokki into his mouth to stop Kihyun from nagging. He focuses on eating and tunes out everything else. 

Earlier, he’d lied to Hyungwon about not being hungry, his stomach actually feels like it’s eating itself from hunger but even though he’s starving, he has to force himself to eat. The tteokbokki tastes like ashes and the red sauce coating the fried rice cakes reminds him entirely too much of the color of congealing blood. Everything—everything tastes absolutely disgusting. 

Once, in a previous cycle, he’d had acid poured into his mouth and the texture of the food in his mouth right now reminds him of the feeling of his tongue disintegrating into a bloody, pulpy mess. Changkyun forces himself to swallow another mouthful but when he feels the grainy mess sliding down his throat, he abruptly gags. Although he tries to contain the nausea, he can’t help himself and he ends up throwing up almost immediately, forcefully ejecting the small amount of food he’s eaten. 

Hoseok and Hyungwon hold him up and support his body while he keeps coughing and gagging while Hyunwoo runs to the kitchen and returns with a pile of paper towels and an empty bucket. It’s a little too late for the bucket but Hyunwoo puts it aside just in case while they wait for Changkyun to catch his breath.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Kihyun keeps murmuring and Hyungwon’s a warm weight by his side as he rubs warm circles into his back but when Changkyun finally looks up, he catches sight of Jooheon’s distinctly nauseated expression and he feels embarrassed despite himself. 

“I told you I wasn’t hungry,” Changkyun grits out, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He feels angry all of a sudden and he just wants to get today over with, wants this cycle to end so he can move to a different one where his friends and his soulmate don’t look at him like he’s made of glass. 

Changkyun stands up to do something, to leave, to throw himself out of the window, but Hyungwon obstructs his way and reaches for his hand, pulling him into his arms. Changkyun growls at first, thinking that Hyungwon’s trying to restrain him but when the older man simply holds him in a soft, warm embrace without trying to move him or hold him still, Changkyun slowly relaxes despite himself. Closing his eyes shut to avoid looking at everyone else, Changkyun goes lax and sinks into Hyungwon’s embrace. 

A while later, Hoseok and Hyungwon lead him to the bathroom and Changkyun brushes his teeth once again under their supervision. When he looks up and catches his reflection in the mirror, he almost recoils at the sight. His hair is tangled like a bird's nest and the collar of his shirt is wet from the perspiration of his fevered skin. His eyes… they’re disturbing to look at, there’s no other way to put it. His eyes look so dead and lifeless and no matter how hard Changkyun stares into the mirror, they stay the same. 

After his mouth is clean and he’s swallowed some lukewarm tea to try to soothe his raw throat, Changkyun sits down on the sofa and tries to ignore the floral scent surrounding the living room. Everything else has been cleaned and there’s a new batch of blankets on the floor but Changkyun doesn’t want to lay down anymore, he wants to sit and thankfully, nobody argues the matter. Everyone settles around him in a circle as if by an unspoken rule. 

“Are you feeling alright?” Minhyuk questions with a worried frown on his usually cheerful face. 

“Oh yeah, just perfect,” Changkyun answers dryly. “Don’t ask stupid questions, hyung. Can we just get on with this shitshow?”

Although Changkyun’s being extremely rude, he’s also right. They’re running out of time and everyone knows it. 

“Just tell him,” Hyunwoo interrupts and Kihyun abruptly shuts his mouth, probably from the lecture he’d been about to dish out. 

“Okay, so you know how we’ve been researching the bracelet, right?” Hoseok starts, holding the same red leather bound book as earlier and thumbing through the pages distractedly. “We’ve searched for the same bracelet in any relevant books, or at least the ones we were able to obtain at the library, but we weren’t able to find anything about it.”

“So you’ve found nothing? What a surprise,” Changkyun drawls out, rolling his eyes.

Seated across from him, Minhyuk looks jittery, like he wants to blurt out something and the only thing restraining him is Hyunwoo’s hand settled firmly on his thigh. There’s a weird look on everyone’s face and it’s enough to make Changkyun suspicious. It’s obvious that they’ve got something to say but they’re hesitating for some reason. 

“...We didn’t say we didn’t find anything,” Kihyun eventually reveals. “We’ve been searching online too. We haven’t managed to find a bracelet with the exact same properties like this one, but we did find a Japanese site selling really cheap bracelets with similar uh...similar spells placed on them—”

“Do you actually believe in this bullshit?” Changkyun interrupts, snorting in derision. “Japan has tons of fucking weird stuff, like magical school girl animes and fucking tentacle porn, are you really going to trust a dodgy Japanese website advertising magical bracelets? You’ve got to be _fucking_ kidding me, right?” 

“I know it sounds ridiculous, but hear us out,” Hyunwoo quickly intercedes, “Hyungwon managed to find a blog with a user that claims to have been cursed by the bracelet and warning users not to buy charmed items from the website.”

“I’m not one hundred percent fluent in Japanese, but I understand enough. The blog user described the spell he was under and everything sounds so similar to your situation,” Hyungwon explains, gnawing on his bottom lip. 

“So you’re trying to tell me that I’ve been stuck in a time loop for fuck-knows-how-long because of a charmed love bracelet?” Changkyun tries to contain the laughter building in his throat but he fails as he lets out a deep, cackling laugh. “Hahaha, okay—okay, some of your previous theories have been really fucking out there, but this one takes the cake for being the most ridiculous. Congratulations, I’d bake you some fucking cookies for originality if I didn’t think the oven would explode and kill us all.”

Everyone watches him laugh with a disconcerted expression and they probably think he’s lost his mind so he laughs some more, wiping tears of mirth from the corners of his eyes.

“Changkyun-ah, please don’t laugh. This isn’t funny, we don’t want you to suffer anymore. We’re trying so hard to figure this out and this is the only thing that makes sense right now, please just...just hear us out,” Minhyuk pleads with tired, red-rimmed eyes. 

“What do you have to lose, at this point?” Hyunwoo points out. “As crazy as it sounds, what if we’re right?”

Changkyun swallows the laughter still bubbling in his throat and looks around his circle of friends. Minhyuk looks wrung out and Jooheon next to him is silent as he watches the proceedings. He hadn’t spoken much ever since Changkyun had revealed the truth of his dead cousin and Changkyun can’t exactly blame him. Kihyun and Hoseok are leaning against each other, trying to be each other’s pillar of support while Hyunwoo sat upright and stoic but his show of strength was betrayed by the weariness in his eyes. Hyungwon was entirely too silent under the circumstances though his quiet watchfulness was accompanied by a piercing gaze that made Changkyun want to crawl into a hole at the same time that he wanted to apologize for his rude behavior.

Changkyun’s throat goes dry all of a sudden and he reaches for his mug of tea and swallows down a mouthful, wetting his cracked lips. “Fine, I’ll play along. Let’s say your crackpot theory is correct, what else do I need to know? How do I break this _magical love spell_ or whatever.”

“It’s not a love spell, not really,” Hoseok begins. “There’s different variations of the bracelet but most of them center around soulmates and bonds. Some bracelets seems to work as trackers to help point the users in the right direction of their soulmates. Other bracelets are meant to make your soulmate fall in love with you. The most common type of bracelets are ones that focus on helping the user complete the soulmate bond.”

“The bracelets work as an...incentive, of sorts,” Kihyun continues, brows furrowed in clear distaste. “They have, and I quote, ‘consequences’ attached to them if they’re not utilized properly. It’s really fucking weird, they make the consequences sound cute, but they’re actually more like curses. For example, if you buy a bracelet meant as a tracker and you don’t follow the direction it leads in, that counts as utilizing it improperly and the curse activates. It punishes you until you start to use the bracelet correctly. The same with the other bracelets, by not using them for what they’re intended for, you’re breaking the rules and the spells placed on them activate to punish the user until the final objective has been completed. None of the other bracelets on the shopping site feature the same...the same curse that you’ve been plagued with, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t the same type. This particular line might have been discontinued or something.” 

“We have two options,” Hyunwoo adds. “We can either destroy the bracelet and hope that it will be enough to break the spell or we can complete the requirements that the spell requires, which in most cases, seems to be a completed soulmate bond.” 

Perhaps they’re expecting Changkyun to argue, but instead, he just sighs deeply and pushes away the sweaty strands of hair clinging to his forehead. “Destroy the bracelet, then. If it doesn’t work—if it doesn’t work, I’ll just follow the second part of the plan the next time the cycle restarts.” Truly, Changkyun doesn’t have much else to say apart from that. Either their plan was going to work or it wasn’t and at this point, everybody else seemed to be so sure and convinced of the half-baked idea of magicked bracelets that there was no point in fighting with them. 

Changkyun’s lying to them, though. The next cycle, he would steal the bottle of sleeping pills that Minhyuk kept in his make-up pouch and he’d swallow enough of them to finally have some peace for as long as his slow death lasted. And when the cycle restarted after that—because of course the cycle would continue no matter how many times he died—the next cycle, Changkyun would lay low and avoid the headache altogether. He’d play along and act like everything was fine and dandy and he’d try to change the events regardless of the fact that his efforts would be wasted. There’s nothing else he can do.

“It will work,” Hyungwon whispers with conviction next to him, patting his thigh in comfort. Changkyun doesn’t say anything but neither does he agree or disagree with the statement.

Half an hour later, they’re all gathered around their small backyard. Hyunwoo is holding a gas can and Hoseok is holding a small carton of matches, although Changkyun doesn’t even know when they had the time to go buy supplies from the store. After they’ve dug out a decent pit into the ground and gathered a couple of buckets of water just in case the fire spreads, Kihyun walks forward and drops the bracelet into the pit unceremoniously. Hyunwoo carefully douses the bracelet with gasoline and steps back, and a second later, Hoseok carefully strikes a wooden match against the cardboard matchbox until it ignites and he quickly throws the lit match into the center of the pit where the wooden bracelet catches fire almost instantly. 

Everyone watches the small blaze with bated breaths, observing the hazy curls of smoke that form and rise from the pit to be carried away by the breeze. The smoke is annoying as it keeps blowing into their eyes, and the smell of burning wood and grass and gasoline is far from pleasant. 

Distracted by the potential dangers of the gas can a few feet behind him, Changkyun doesn’t notice when the dirty gray smoke turns into billowy, iridescent clouds smelling strongly of sickeningly sweet incense. Hyungwon abruptly clutches his hand and squeezes it, and Changkyun turns his head back to look at the pit at the same time that there’s a loud _bang!_ followed by a series of whizzing sounds. Instead of burning down into charred lumps, the beads of the bracelet crack open one by one and emit sparks that jump into the air and explode overhead like fireworks, lurid red and pink hearts that glow like neon before fizzing out and dying as they encounter the breeze. 

The very air seems to shimmer like hazy heat waves in a desert before an image slowly forms in front of Changkyun at plain eye-level, a flaming string of hiragana characters. Changkyun steps back quickly, backtracking so fast that he ends up tripping over his own feet and falling down on his ass. He drags Hyungwon down with him and the older man lands on top of him roughly but Changkyun hardly notices over the frantic panic in his mind. He faintly hears the loud splashing sound of water being thrown over the fire as well as the loud hissing and spitting as the fire dies, hears Minhyuk’s concerned question asking if he’s alright as well as Hyunwoo’s stern voice ordering for more water. 

Right away, Hyungwon scrambles off of him and leans down to help him up with Kihyun’s help. The next thing he knows, Hyungwon is leading him back inside the house while hissing curses under his breath the whole way. 

After the fire’s been put out, the rest of their friends trudge back inside to see Changkyun sitting down at the kitchen table, motionless except for the small tapping sound of his fingers hitting the wooden surface of the table in a repeated, nervous motion. 

“Changkyun-ah?” Hoseok asks, placing his hand on his shoulder and squeezing gently. 

Changkyun dislodges the hand with an agitated shrug and abruptly turns to face Hyungwon with a fierce expression on his face. “What did it say?” 

The older man remains silent and Changkyun snarls, standing up from his chair abruptly and slamming his hands on the table. “I know you know! Tell me, hyung!”

Hyungwon looks away from Changkyun to the sliding glass door leading to the backyard, but there’s nothing to see, everything has been extinguished and already, night is setting in and hiding everything under its dark blanket. “It said...the objective must be completed,” Hyungwon mutters. Changkyun sits down hard, trying to come to terms with the situation.

“We—we were right,” Hoseok stutters out, dazed and a little wild-eyed. “I mean...it sounds weird as shit, but we were right.”

“What are we supposed to do,” Minhyuk grunts out, pulling at his hair in desperation. “The phrase it spelled out, it’s pretty obvious that destroying the bracelet isn’t going to be enough.”

“It’s okay, we figured out this much, at least. Now we just..we just have to help Changkyun-ah find his soulmate and complete the bond.” Kihyun tries to sound positive, but even through the shaky smile that he keeps sending Changkyun, it’s obvious that the older man was freaked out by the string of events. 

“There’s not a lot of time left,” Jooheon says quietly, speaking up for the first time in a while. “It’s getting late.”

“It’ll have to be enough,” Hyunwoo ventures out. “No...no, we’ll make _sure_ that it’s enough.”

Hyungwon places his hand on Changkyun’s shoulder, watching the youngest stare at the table in complete disbelief. “Changkyun-ah, we’ll figure it out, okay? Don’t worry.” 

“Don’t worry?” Changkyun whispers, voice tight and strained. He looks up and glares at Hyungwon, growling deep in his throat before he pushes the older man away hard, sending him crashing to the floor with a loud thumping sound. Changkyun stalks towards the glass door and nobody really knows what he’s going to do but Hyunwoo doesn’t give him a chance to walk away, quickly reaching out and pulling Changkyun back hard against his chest and wrapping his arms around him tight.

“How can—HOW CAN YOU FUCKING SAY THAT?” Changkyun yells, staring out at the glass door with a manic look on his eyes and straining against Hyunwoo’s hold, scratching at his skin with fingernails sharp enough to break through skin and draw blood. “HOW IS THIS FUCKING REAL? I’VE LIVED THROUGH YEARS OF PAIN AND TORTURE AND YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT IT WAS ALL BECAUSE OF A FUCKING BRACELET?! NO, NO, NO, IT’S NOT TRUE. IT CAN’T BE FUCKING TRUE!” Changkyun howls in anger and strains forward, dragging Hyunwoo with him through sheer force of will as he heads towards the glass door. His mind is blank, empty of every other thought except for those stupid cracked beads and all of the blood they had spilled, all of the nightmares that had come to life, all of times he’d prayed to god to have mercy and all of those times that his prayers had gone unanswered. 

“Changkyun-ah, breathe baby, please, you need to breathe,” Kihyun keeps pleading and Changkyun strains against the multitude of hands holding him back, yelling incoherently and feeling his mind starting to split at the seams at the same time that his heart pounds against his ribcage, sending adrenaline pumping throughout his whole body without a way to release it. There’s nothing he can do, even if he ripped the cracked beads to pieces and tore them to splinters with his bare hands, that won’t undo everything that he’s lived through, won’t make the truth of his self-imposed hell become any less true. 

Changkyun yells and cries and curses in equal measures, but eventually, he wears himself out. Later, once his blood has stopped boiling in his veins and his sanity starts to return to him, Changkyun blinks blearily and finds himself on the floor, sitting down in Hyunwoo’s lap with Minhyuk and Jooheon holding onto him as they murmur soft words of comfort and solace. 

Changkyun breathes harshly against Hyunwoo’s broad chest and notices the lines of red on Hyunwoo’s neck, the scratch marks and deep gouges from his own fingernails. He feels shame well up inside of him, thick enough to drown in. “I’m—I’m sorry, hyung, I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Changkyun whispers miserably and Hyunwoo makes a deep rumbling noise in his chest, placing a soft kiss on his forehead while Minhyuk nuzzles into him from the side. 

“It’s okay, you didn’t mean to. We’re—we’re going to find your soulmate, okay? We’ll fix this, I promise.”

When Changkyun notices Hyungwon sitting on a chair to the side, he feels his heart sink. Hyungwon’s arms are covered in the same ragged red scratches, drops of blood stark against his pale skin. Hyungwon keeps looking at him, dark eyes worried and concerned despite the fact that Changkyun had hurt him, despite the fact that he kept hissing every time Kihyun gently dabbed at the scratches with a cotton swab drenched with rubbing alcohol. 

“Changkyun-ah, please show us your words,” Hoseok speaks up with a nervous voice. “We need to start searching for your match.” He doesn’t need to say that it’s getting darker outside and their time is starting to run out. Everyone is desperate at this point, starting to realize that the day is starting to come to an end and ticking closer to the time when bad things start to happen. Despite the odds, they haven’t lost hope yet. There was services out there, phone apps and social media sites purely dedicated to finding matching soulmate marks, even if the task was impossible a lot of the time. Changkyun doesn’t know how to tell them that he doesn’t have to search—he’s known who his soulmate is the whole time. 

Changkyun breathes in raggedly and exhales, afraid to reveal the truth even now. He has no idea how Hyungwon will react to the news, but at this point, Changkyun is so fucking desperate to stop the never ending time loop that he doesn’t hesitate in the least, scrambling up from Hyunwoo’s lap and pulling down the stretchy waistband of his pajama pants with trembling hands at the same time that he rucks up the corner of his shirt and reveals the skin of his hipbone, empty and bare except for the messy black scrawling words he’d been born with. 

Minhyuk leans closer until he’s able to see the words, and then he recites them out loud for every single one of them to hear. _“You don’t belong here. Go home, kid.”_

Changkyun swallows hard and stares straight at Hyungwon, waiting for the inevitable anger and disappointment, for the hurtful words that are sure to follow. Hyungwon stares back with wide eyes, slowly walking forward in a daze until he’s standing right in front of Changkyun, eyes slowly roving down his body until he stops at the sight of his naked hipbone. He reads the messy black words over and over as if he can’t believe it, his hand reaching out to touch the permanent black tattoo, fingertips tracing the words slowly. At the tender touch, Changkyun’s legs feel weak and he feels like he’s going to pass out but he endures through sheer force of will. 

“You never said anything,” Hyungwon murmurs, sounding dazed and confused.

Changkyun bites his lip hard enough to draw blood and looks down at the floor. “You hated me,” he whispers, raw voice cracking with sincerity. 

Hyungwon huffs out a disbelieving sound. “You’re a fool,” Hyungwon grits out through clenched teeth, sounding angry and pained at the same time. A slender hand grips his chin and tilts his head up and Changkyun is powerless to stop it. “You entered in the middle of a competition and I just wanted to debut, of course I was angry at you but that doesn’t mean I hated you. You should have told me, Changkyun-ah.”

“...I’m sorry,” Changkyun offers but it’s not enough, not really. His eyes start burning and for the first time, he allows himself to cry, letting out huge, ugly sobs as hot tears streak down his face. At the sight of his tears, Hyungwon quickly draws him into a desperate embrace, clutching him tightly against his chest. 

“Don’t cry, it's okay. Everything is going to be okay,” Hyungwon roughly whispers and Changkyun sinks into the embrace as his shaky legs threaten to give out under him. Barely seconds later, Hyungwon’s slender fingers tug at the waistband of his pajama pants until his bare hip and his soulmate mark are completely covered. The mark is rather private and although it had been necessary to reveal it to everyone, they both feel infinitely better once the mark is safely hidden once again. 

“Hyungwon-ah, let him sit down, he’s about to fall,” Kihyun adds in quietly, and Hyungwon startles as he looks at the rest of their friends. They look tenuously happy at the development at the same time that their worry and concern overwhelms every other positive feeling. Changkyun breathes out raggedly against his chest and Hyungwon quickly nods in response to Kihyun’s suggestion, carefully walking forward and leading Changkyun to the living room. Hyungwon sits down in the couch, drawing Changkyun closer against his side until they’re both nestled into each other. Everyone else marches in, although as soon as Hyunwoo is sitting down on the floor, Kihyun forces him to take off his shirt so he can be treated for his shallow wounds. 

“I’m so happy that you’re soulmates,” Minhyuk smiles sincerely with red-rimmed eyes, tousling his sweaty blond hair in nervousness. “This is great, we’ve—we’ve actually got a chance at getting you out of this, Changkyun-ah.” 

“This goes back to our earlier discussion, though. What does it mean to complete a bond?” Jooheon says, looking down at the ground with a solemn frown. Hoseok reaches out to him and places his arm over his shoulder, hugging him close and Jooheon allows the action without arguing, for once.

“They just have to kiss for the first time,” Kihyun rationalizes. “That’s how bonds are completed in a lot of romantic movies.”

“Movies are exaggerated and idealistic,” Hyunwoo adds, looking uncomfortable at voicing an objection. “The truth is that each culture has a different belief on soulmate bonds and how to complete them—”

“We’ve already kissed,” Changkyun quietly interrupts, voice muffled against Hyungwon’s chest as he hides his face. Somehow, everyone still hears him. 

“You have? When?” Hoseok asks, confused and everybody else tries to think back to when it could have happened at the same time that they wonder if the kiss was a private thing that they hadn’t witnessed.

Hyungwon just hums in thought and suddenly remembers a moment from months ago. “During the paper kiss game, right? Our lips actually touched...” When Changkyun stays silent, Hyungwon rubs at the back of his nape softly in comfort. 

“It was an accident though, I don’t think that counts. And at that time, Hyungwon didn’t know that you were soulmates. Don’t you usually have to acknowledge your soulmate status before the bonding can be completed?” Minhyuk questions, looking confused. Everyone turns to look at Kihyun and Hoseok at the same time and the two older men simply frown and look at each other for a few seconds, as if communicating silently. 

“We don’t actually know,” Kihyun mutters, gnawing on his lip roughly. “There’s no obvious signs of a completed bond most of the time. Some soulmate marks turn different colors and some stay the same but it seems to be a completely random effect. Ours is the same color that it’s always been and we’ve...we’ve completed our bonding already.”

“Then how do you know that the bond _is_ complete, if there is no outward sign?” Jooheon wonders out loud.

“We just know,” Hoseok and Kihyun answer at the same time, looking startled once they realize that they’ve echoed each other. 

“Doesn’t it make sense for the requirements for a completed bond to match the bracelet’s country of origin?” Hyunwoo argues with a skeptical frown and everybody else looks uncomfortable at the thought. 

“It’s a charmed bracelet and although it’s methods are quite malicious, wouldn’t it be too much for its ultimate goal to end in...in sex? There’s no way,” Minhyuk mutters out, hugging his own body and grimacing at the thought. 

“...It’s Japan,” Jooheon voices out deadpan. He doesn’t need to add that in traditional Japanese soulmate bonding ceremonies, physically consummating the bond was a necessity. Everybody else looks tense at the implications and they keep sending furtive looks at Changkyun, who’s still hiding his face in Hyungwon’s shirt and isn’t aware of the glances in the first place. 

“That’s—that’s too much. Minhyuk is right, a first kiss should be enough to break the damn love charm,” Kihyun grits out, looking agitated. 

“And if it’s not?” Hoseok questions, closing his eyes tight as if he didn’t want to think about the consequences of their prediction being wrong. 

“And if it is? They should kiss first and wait to see what happens, having sex is way too steep a price! I think that Changkyun should wait to see if the cycle restarts before he gives away his _virginity_ ,” Minhyuk stresses, challenging Hoseok’s opinion with a slight glare. 

“Hyungwon’s a virgin too,” Hoseok corrects and everyone turns to Hyungwon, but he doesn’t say anything or deny the assertion, just continues to card his hand through Changkyun’s tousled hair. 

“Even more of a reason to wait instead of charging ahead and doing something so drastic! They’re both way too young!” Kihyun argues.

“Hyungwon is practically the same age as you,” Hyunwoo patiently points out and Kihyun shakes his head back and forth in denial.

“That doesn’t matter, he’s still too young! And Changkyun-ah—don’t even get me started! They haven’t even started dating, for god’s sake!” 

The debate continues as everyone else starts to clamor in with their own dissenting opinions and although they’re being civil and cordial with each other for the most part, Changkyun can’t help but be reminded of previous cycles where they’d all argued until their voices loudly drowned each other out. He raises his hand and roughly scrubs at his face, trying to get rid of the annoying tears that keep making his eyes sting. He doesn’t even know why he’s still crying but he thinks that it has something to do with the thought of his infinite nightmare finally ending. Still, he hates being weak, hates to bare his emotions like this, hates to think about what everyone else is discussing, but his thoughts are wiped blank when Hyungwon cups his face in his hands tenderly. 

“You look pretty when you cry,” Hyungwon whispers quietly and Changkyun glares at the older man in embarrassed anger, annoyed when another tear slips from the corner of his eye and rolls down his wet face. 

“Is that supposed to be romantic?” Changkyun grumbles and Hyungwon bites his lip roughly.

“Well, I tried,” Hyungwon murmurs apologetically before he leans down and captures Changkyun’s lips between his own, slotting their mouths together for the first time. The kiss is far from perfect—Changkyun’s nose bumps against Hyungwon’s and there’s a moment of awkwardness that lasts until they both tilt their heads to the side and their lips press together more comfortably. Although Hyungwon’s lips are plush and soft, Changkyun’s own lips are cracked and dry but Hyungwon doesn’t seem to care as he parts Changkyun’s lips open with a wet swipe of his tongue, licking into his mouth and savoring the taste of green tea and toothpaste. Changkyun can’t help but moan at the feeling, holding back the whine that threatens to slip past his lips. He doesn’t know what to do but he follows Hyungwon’s lead, tentatively licking at Hyungwon’s slick tongue and sinking into the deep, warm kiss as he tangles his hands into Hyungwon’s shirt and clings to it like a lifeline. After he’s run out of breath, he leans back and pants and Hyungwon presses another soft kiss against his lips, short and sweet.

At the same time, they both realize that the rooms’s gone silent and they had hardly even noticed, as absorbed as they were in their own little world. Changkyun doesn’t have to look to know that everyone is watching them and he feels so overwhelmed that he hides his face in the crook of Hyungwon’s neck and closes his eyes. He’s endured a myriad of different situations over the course of countless different cycles, yet a mere kiss is enough to make him feel completely embarrassed, feeling young and inexperienced for the first time in a long, long while. 

There’s a choking silence in the room as everyone waits for something to happen but their silence is useless; everything remains the same, the clock keeps ticking on the wall just like always and the very air surrounding them remains stubbornly ordinary, without a hint of gauzy heat waves or flaming hiragana characters. Everyone turns to look at each other, disconcerted and worried. 

“Now we just have to wait and see if anything _bad_ happens before the morning,” Hyunwoo hazards. “If...if the cycle restarts, Changkyun will know how to end it for good.”

“I’m sure he won’t have to,” Kihyun confidently promises, betrayed by the way his lips pull down into a concerned frown. 

With those solemn words, everybody else settles down to wait for morning to come. There’s already a multitude of blankets and pillows on the ground, but Jooheon and Minhyuk leave and come back with even more after a trip to their shared room. Changkyun finally detaches himself from Hyungwon long enough for them to settle into the makeshift bed on the floor. His face feels stiff from dried tear tracks and his eyes feel puffy, and overall, he just feels like a mess but he can’t find it in himself to care too much. He wraps his arms around Hyungwon and breathes in his scent, ignoring the small chatter that fills the room as everyone else settles down on the bedding and surround Changkyun protectively. 

“Try to sleep, okay? I’ll watch over you,” Hyungwon whispers against his temple and Changkyun reluctantly agrees even though he wants to mutter out that he should be watching over his own self, but the words get caught in his throat and die there, trapped by his unwillingness to wish any bad luck upon his soulmate. 

The night passes slowly, minute by minute dragging on as the clock on the wall continues ticking ominously. No matter how many times Hyungwon kisses his temple and begs him to close his eyes and rest, Changkyun can’t sleep. He’s riddled by the fear of being wrong, of not having done enough to ensure that the bond is complete. He’s so afraid suddenly, and he doesn’t understand why because he’d been so ready to dismiss today as just another day in the time loop, just another cycle that would pass just like every other time, but right now, he can’t handle the thought of the cycle restarting when his nightmare is so close to ending. 

He doesn’t want to see Hyunwoo, Minhyuk, Jooheon, Hoseok and Kihyun die, again. 

He doesn’t want to see Hyungwon die, again _._

 _He_ doesn’t want to die, again. Dying hurts like hell. 

“I can’t do this,” Changkyun shakily cries out, disrupting the tense silence. “I can’t, hyung, please—I can’t, I can’t—”

“Changkyun-ah baby, it’s okay, everything is going to be alright,” Hyungwon answers desperately, holding onto Changkyun’s shaking form as large, fat teardrops start rolling down his crumpled face. 

“I don’t want you to die! I love you, please, I don’t want to see any of you die—it hurts, do you know how much it hurts? I-I lied, before, about not knowing how long I’ve been stuck in the time loop. Do you want to know how l-long it’s been? Do you want to k-know?” 

Everyone around them is listening, legs tangled into their own bed covers as they sit up and watch the heartbreaking sight of Changkyun losing himself in his grief for the second time that night.

“How-how long?” Hoseok tentatively asks, and Changkyun barely notices that it wasn’t his soulmate who answered him over the blurry film of tears in his eyes. 

“I’ve been stuck in a time loop for one-thousand-six-hundred-and-one days! Over four years! F-four fucking years,” Changkyun grits out bitterly through huge wracking sobs, barely able to stutter out the words. “P-please, hyung, I can’t do this one more time! I’ll really go crazy, I don’t want to do this anymore, please, Hyungwon—just fuck me, please, just fuck me so this finally ends!”

“Don’t say that, Changkyun-ah, everything is going to be alright, we just have to wait til morning—”

“Please! Please, hyung! I can’t—I can’t do this, please just fuck me, please, please, _please_ —” 

Hyungwon looks pained at hearing Changkyun pleading so earnestly with his face stained with tears and snot and saliva. Minhyuk, Jooheon, and Kihyun aren’t much better as they watch the scene unfolding, futilely trying to stifle the sounds of their own misery while everybody else is at a loss for words, unsure of what to do and fearing what will happen if they deny Changkyun’s wish. Changkyun is an absolute mess and everyone slowly comes to the realization that one more cycle of living through hell will wreck Changkyun, irreparably. 

“Are you sure this is what you want?” Hyungwon asks quietly, trying to look stoic and composed despite the fact that his own body is shaking from the raw emotions flashing in Changkyun’s eyes. 

“Yes,” Changkyun whispers with his mouth trembling. 

Hyungwon pushes away the warm covers, ignores the small whisper from Kihyun asking if they’re both sure, gently bats away Minhyuk’s hand from his shirt as he stands up and quickly reaches down to offer Changkyun his hand. Without a hint of hesitation, Changkyun takes it. Ignoring the poignant silence they leave behind, Hyungwon leads Changkyun away from the living room and down the hall. 

They stop at the bathroom and Hyungwon gently instructs Changkyun to wash his face with tepid water while he leaves the bathroom and walks into his own shared room, quickly searching through Hoseok’s things before he’s able to find the silver foil packets hidden in his bedside drawer. He takes one of the packets and quickly retrieves his own small bottle of lube from the hidden niche between his mattress and the wall. He stuffs both items into his loose gray sweatpants and goes back to the bathroom, feeling a thousand times more nervous than before. Changkyun is still scrubbing at his face, way harder than was strictly necessary, but as soon as Hyungwon gently puts his hand on the small of his back, Changkyun abruptly stops washing his face and looks up, water droplets dripping from his face and down his neck in thin rivulets. Hyungwon grabs a clean washcloth and reaches over to pat his face and neck dry, watching as Changkyun’s eyes flutter shut from the action. It feels like a ritual of sorts, and perhaps it is because this will be the last few things they’ll do before they consummate their soulmate bond. After Hyungwon’s done with the task, he caresses Changkyun’s cheek and places a small kiss on his face before he takes his hand once again and leads him to the room at the very end of the hall. 

Without a word, Changkyun takes off his shirt and his pants but keeps his boxers on for a modicum of modesty, quickly burying himself under the covers of his own bunk bed. He turns to his side to make room for Hyungwon, who carefully divests himself of clothes as well before he slinks into the space that Changkyun left for him. The bunk is small so there’s hardly any space between them and the air suddenly feels thin and wispy, and even from all the way across the dorm, Changkyun thinks that he can hear the clock ticking from the living room. 

Feeling a tendril of fear in his gut, Changkyun exhales breathlessly before he inches closer to Hyungwon and kisses the older man, trying to get lost in the sensation and trying to forget about everything else. Despite the thick blanket covering them, Changkyun feels cold and Hyungwon is so warm in comparison; everything feels like it’s too much and they’ve barely even started. 

Sighing softly, Hyungwon slowly breaks away from his mouth and brushes a small kiss against his chin, slowly trailing down his neck to nip at his skin in between small licks and kisses that make Changkyun’s whole body gooseflesh at the intimacy. Changkyun has to hold his breath when the older man starts to suck at the junction of his neck, right over his racing pulse point, feeling heat pooling in his stomach at the pleasant sensation. Changkyun’s cock is already hard from Hyungwon’s ministrations and he feels embarrassed and inexperienced as he feels a damp, sticky patch of precum forming on the tented fabric of his boxers. He has to resist the temptation to rut against Hyungwon’s knee while he endures the mouth sucking on the soft pink flesh of his sensitive nipples. Changkyun’s so distracted by the sensation of Hyungwon’s tongue laving and sucking at his skin that he hardly notices when the older man slides his fingers into the waistband of his boxers and pulls them down past his knee, gently tapping at Changkyun’s thigh until he gets the hint and kicks off the loose boxers from around his ankles. 

Once he’s completely naked underneath Hyungwon, Changkyun’s hazy state of mind quickly recedes as the seriousness of the situation sets in. Despite the pleasant beginning of becoming acquainted with each other’s bodies, they don’t really have time to waste and they both know that. When Changkyun reaches for Hyungwon’s hand and squeezes it, Hyungwon instantly seems to understand his intentions and he reaches next to the bed and retrieves the foil packet and the small bottle of lube from the pocket of his discarded pants. He quickly uncaps the lube and Changkyun pretends that he can’t see Hyungwon’s hand shaking as he coats his fingers in the clear, sticky liquid. Changkyun places his arm over his eyes, embarrassed and nervous as he spreads his legs for Hyungwon. 

A moment later, he feels Hyungwon’s fingers circling around his hole, a slim digit slowly pressing in experimentally. Changkyun’s had his own fingers inside of himself, but right now, he can’t relax enough to loosen up. He swallows the sounds of pain and breathes in slowly when Hyungwon tells him to. For his part, Hyungwon isn’t clueless, he can tell that Changkyun isn’t enjoying the feeling of being stretched open but he can’t do anything but keep preparing him, slowly and carefully with one finger, then two. Hyungwon leans down to nip at the junction of Changkyun’s neck, leaning up and capturing his mouth in a deep kiss to try to make him forget about the pain and Changkyun can’t keep up the pretense anymore, quickly fumbling to wrap his own hand around his softening cock and pumping it uselessly while he kisses back desperately. Once Hyungwon has gotten three fingers inside of him, stretching him open and loosening up his hole, Changkyun disengages from the kiss and leans back. 

“Please, hyung, hurry up,” Changkyun pleads with a soft whisper and Hyungwon wordlessly rubs at his hip to reassure him before he reaches for the foil packet next to him and carefully tears it open, slowly rolling on the condom and covering himself with more lube in preparation. Once he’s settled in between Changkyun’s open legs, Hyungwon leans down to press a small kiss into the corner of his mouth before he finally positions the tip of his hard cock against his leaking hole and slowly starts to enter him. It hurts—more than Changkyun ever thought it would. He feels like he’s being torn apart in two, and he bites his lips and tries to stop the noises of pain catching in his throat but when Hyungwon stops midway, hissing under his breath from the tightness, he seems to realize that Changkyun is in pain regardless of his careful preparation. 

“Changkyun-ah?” Hyungwon murmurs softly, looking concerned and worried. “Are you okay? Do you want to stop?”

Changkyun quickly shakes his head back and forth. “No! No, please don't stop. It's—it’s not that bad…” 

It’s worse, actually, but he doesn’t dare say that out loud. They both know he’s lying, anyway. 

After a moment of tense silence, Hyungwon reluctantly continues pushing inside of him, watching Changkyun the whole time with a guilty expression on his face while he bites his lip hard at the warm heat engulfing him. When Hyungwon’s fully seated inside, balls flush against his ass cheeks, Changkyun whimpers at the unpleasant fullness, quickly wrapping his thighs around the older man to stop him from pulling out.

“I'm fine, don't stop,” Changkyun lies unconvincingly with his lips trembling, beads of fevered sweat rolling down his temple.

Hyungwon breathes out slowly and uses his hand to push away the wet strands of hair sticking to Changkyun’s forehead, leaning down to press a wet kiss against his trembling lips. “You don’t have to lie to me, Changkyun-ah. I’ll go slow, okay?” True to his word, Hyungwon is careful and considerate as he gently pulls out and slides back in at a maddeningly slow pace, slender fingers reaching for Changkyun’s soft cock and forming a tight ring as he slides his hand up and down the reddened shaft in firm strokes that leave Changkyun gasping for more air. 

Despite his reservations, Changkyun starts to get used to the sensation of being penetrated. The pain slowly starts to fade away as his whole body heats up from the inside out and Changkyun places his hand over Hyungwon’s, running his own thumb over the head of his cock and spreading the slick precum over the rest of his length while he matches Hyungwon’s fast strokes.

“Hyung, deeper,” Changkyun groans out abruptly and Hyungwon quickly obliges him, letting go of his cock to wrap both hands around his thighs and hitching them up higher, placing both of his legs to rest over his shoulders. Changkyun’s bent almost in half at this point and Hyungwon hisses out with pleasure as he pushes his cock into him deeper and almost instantly, the stinging ache morphs into sparks of white-hot pleasure. Changkyun moans at the overwhelming sensation, clawing at the bed sheets and hissing softly under his breath.

“Fuck, fuck, right there, hyung, please—” Realizing that he’d brushed against Changkyun’s sensitive bundle of nerves, Hyungwon quickly pulls back out and slams back in, hitting the same spot again and again. Changkyun is suddenly so sensitive, every deep thrust makes his body feel hot and the friction of Hyungwon’s smooth stomach rubbing against the leaking head of his cock is enough to make him moan low under his breath, overwhelmed by the sensation. Hyungwon pants right against the shell of his ear, mumbling our praises and encouragements and Changkyun feels drunk with the realization of knowing that Hyungwon is so close to the edge and that Changkyun was the reason for that pleasure. 

“I love you, Changkyun-ah. I love you so much,” Hyungwon whispers as he stares at Changkyun through half-lidded eyes full of hazy heat and Changkyun breathes out softly as his arms tangle around Hyungwon’s neck and pull him down for a wet, open-mouthed kiss. Softly sucking on his bottom lip, Hyungwon moans into his mouth, thrusting into him harder with a sense of desperation. Breath suddenly hitching in his chest, Hyungwon pushes in one last time and gasps breathlessly, spilling deep inside of Changkyun and rocking his hips softly from the aftershocks. Changkyun trembles at the feeling, holding Hyungwon through the last of his high and closing his dazed eyes as Hyungwon rests his head in the crook of his neck, breathing hard. Only a few seconds later, Hyungwon pulls out slowly, being gentle with Changkyun and whispering a guilt-ridden apology at the pained hiss that Changkyun emits. 

Panting softly, Hyungwon gets up from the bed and takes off the used condom, throwing it away in the trash can and wiping himself clean with his shirt, pulling on his gray sweatpants afterwards. Changkyun watches him through half-lidded eyes, feeling tired and sweaty while his cock lays heavy on his belly, still hard and leaking. Changkyun doesn’t even know what to do, he wants to get himself off but he feels awkward all of a sudden, mouth going dry when he sees Hyungwon leaving the room. His chest aches all of a sudden, and he wants to cry but he resists the urge, angrily scrubbing his face clean from tears as he wraps the covers tighter around himself while his thighs ache, feeling sore from the strain. He ignores the feeling and reaches down to palm himself, pulling on his own cock in quick, hard strokes as he tries to come quickly. Barely a few seconds later, Hyungwon returns and he closes the door once again, the click of the door jamb sounding loud in the silent room. 

Once he notices Changkyun’s motions under the blanket, Hyungwon curses as he quickly returns to the bed. “I just went to get a wet washcloth, Changkyun-ah,” he explains as he pulls the covers away from Changkyun, who blinks up at him through wet eyes. “I should have told you before I left. I’m sorry, I’m so bad at this… I meant to get you off first, but I came too quickly,” Hyungwon explains through cheeks flushed red. “Let me take care of you.”

Changkyun makes a startled sound as Hyungwon palms his sore thighs again, gently spreading them apart until he can kneel in between Changkyun’s open legs. Without warning, Hyungwon grips the base of his cock and slides his hand up and down a few times before he licks his lips and takes him properly into his mouth, lips closing tight around his length. Breathing slowly through his nose, Hyungwon licks at the crown of his head before he takes him deeper into his mouth, slick saliva trailing from the corners of his taut lips as he starts to bob his head up and down in practiced motions. Changkyun hisses at the sensation, fisting the sheets tight as he resists the urge to fuck into Hyungwon’s warm mouth. When Hyungwon releases his cock abruptly, Changkyun moans in disapproval though the sound is quickly drowned out as Hyungwon slide two fingers into his own mouth and methodically sucks on them, quickly releasing his fingers with a slick sounding pop and bringing the saliva coated digits to Changkyun’s leaking hole, slowly entering him and stretching him open at the same time that he licked a stripe on the underside of his cock with the flat of his tongue. When Hyungwon sucks at the crown of his head, Changkyun thrusts up into the warm heat and moans, desperately trying to form the words to tell Hyungwon that he's about to come. He doesn't need to say anything; as soon as Changkyun cock throbs in his mouth, Hyungwon knows what's about to happen. Instead of pulling away and finishing him off with his hand, Hyungwon’s hands come to rest on either side of Changkyun’s hips as he holds him down, breathing in deeply through his nose as he swallows Changkyun down to the base and sucks. Barely a second later, Changkyun spills into Hyungwon’s mouth with a low, keening cry. Hyungwon waits until the warm liquid spurting into his mouth stops before he pulls away from Changkyun’s cock and quickly swallows down every drop, hands coming to rest on Changkyun’s trembling thighs. 

Changkyun can’t stop staring at the older man. Hyungwon’s lips are reddened and puffy, slick with saliva, and the sight is enough to make make him close his eyes, overwhelmed by the erotic sight. His legs are still tingling and he’s hot and sweaty all over and everything is still too much. He doesn't even know what to do with himself so he closes his eyes and exhales deeply, panting softly as his breathing slows. 

“Let’s get you cleaned up,” Hyungwon softly whispers as he sits next to Changkyun on the bed, lowering his head in order to fit under the small bunk bed. Taking a damp but warm cloth, Hyungwon starts wiping him down carefully, drying the sweat from his face and neck before he starts to clean the rest of his body with slow careful strokes. Ignoring the embarrassment of Hyungwon’s hand reaching in between his thighs to wipe at his leaking hole, Changkyun stays silent and stares at the darkness of the bunk bed above him, faintly listening to the sound of the clock in the living room. 

The rhythmic tic toc sounds even louder in the sudden silence and Changkyun’s gut writhes with apprehension, a cold and dreadful feeling flooding his body with every turn of the clock’s second hand. 

_One._

_Two._

_Three._

_Four._

_Five._

_Six._

_Seven._

_Eight._

_Nine._

_Ten._

“—Changkyun-ah, come on, Changkyun-ah, snap out of it,” Hyungwon frantically whispers under his breath and Changkyun opens his eyes to stare straight at Hyungwon’s hovering form above him, looking scared and apprehensive. Changkyun blinks and stares into Hyungwon’s dark eyes, the faint glimmer of liquid on his cheekbone glowing in the dark. 

“Was it enough, hyung? Did we do enough to stop this fucking curse?” Changkyun whispers with a raspy voice, practically choking on the strangled out words. “M-maybe you shouldn’t have used protection… will that matter, do you think?”

“Of course it doesn’t matter,” Hyungwon chokes out, but his voice warbles enough to betray his own doubt. “It’s enough, Changkyun-ah. It’s... it’s enough.”

The soft knock on the door startles them both and Changkyun clutches the covers tighter to himself. 

“Is everything okay in there? We just… it’s been silent for a while. Can I come in?” Kihyun’s hesitant voice speaks from the other side of the door. 

Hyungwon looks at Changkyun, waiting for his permission. Swallowing heavily, Changkyun turns to his side and reaches for the pajama pants lying on the floor next to his bed.

“Wait, please,” Hyungwon says and he springs into action, reaching for his shirt lying on the floor as well and sliding it on carelessly while he brushes his sweaty hair and tries to straighten the messy strands with his spidery fingers. When his eyes happen to catch the small bottle of lube on the floor, he quickly grabs it and stuffs it into one of drawers before he looks around frantically until he finally spots the glinting silver foil package on the floor. Once he’s disposed of the evidence, Hyungwon looks back at Changkyun and checks to make sure he’s ready before he reaches for the doorknob and unlocks it. 

Grimacing at the worried expression on Kihyun face, Hyungwon sits on the floor next to Changkyun’s bed, keeping a slight distance from his soulmate as if trying to dispel the charged air that surrounds them both.

“Changkyun-ah, are you okay?” Kihyun whispers. The older man reaches his hand forward as if he means to card his fingers through Changkyun’s messy hair and Changkyun shies away from the touch. 

“I’m fine. Please don’t touch me, I’m sweaty.”

KIhyun’s hand stops mid-air, inches from Changkyun, looking unsure and pained. He stays quiet for a second, trying to come up with something reassuring to say but coming up short. Hyungwon stays silent as well, though his hand rests on Changkyun’s leg softly as if to make sure that he’s there. 

“I’m so sorry, Changkyun-ah,” Kihyun whispers and Changkyun hates the sound of his regretful voice. He closes his eyes and turns away from them both, stubbornly clutching the covers tight around him. 

“Changkyun-ah,” Kihyun voices out softly and Changkyun exhales. 

“I’m going to sleep. Wake me up when tomorrow gets here,” he whispers, hating the irony of the sentence. Less than a second later, he hears Kihyun dragging Hyungwon away a few feet, hears the sound of Kihyun’s worried whispering and Hyungwon’s low response, sounding rough and unsure. Ignoring the sound of their hushed whispering, Changkyun claps his hands to his ears and grits his teeth in a futile effort to muffle the sound of the ticking clock, hating how it echoes in his head like a fatal reminder.

Later, Changkyun feels hands underneath him before he’s suddenly lifted up and when he drags his tired eyes open, he catches Hoseok’s watchful dark eyes. Changkyun emits a low growl as he feels himself being moved from the room to the living room but he’s too tired to protest, muscles feeling tense and sore. He’s settled into the makeshift mattress on the living room floor and although he understands why they want to keep watching over him, the thought of being treated like a child inwardly rankles him. Everything rankles him, Kihyun’s hovering around him as he fixes his covers and Minhyuk’s soft sniffling and Hyunwoo and Hoseok’s reassuring voices as they speak to Hyungwon in the kitchen and Jooheon’s liquid gaze, brown eyes fixed on him with equal parts apprehension and worry and fear.

Changkyun grabs the covers and drags them over his head. The clock keeps ticking, but now it sounds like a countdown. He helplessly listens, half-lidded eyes slowly dragging shut from an invisible force, feeling powerless against the flow of time. 

_Ten._

_Nine._

_Eight._

_Seven._

_Six_

_Five._

_Four._

_Three._

_Two._

_One._

**+**

Gruesome images keep flashing past his mind; Jooheon clutching the stump of his leg in absolute agony, Minhyuk hanging upside down from their van with glass embedded all the way into his skull, Hyunwoo buried underneath the steel and wooden remains of their stage, Hoseok’s whole body set ablaze and yelling for help, Kihyun lying dead in a pool of his own blood with a knife buried deep in his neck, Hyungwon stuffing his intestines back into his body and yelling for help in shell-shocked pain. The images won’t stop flashing by, the horrifying, gut-churning incidents occurring again and again and again and Changkyun doesn’t know how to make this nightmare end. He just… he just wants everything to go back to the way it was before.

**+**

The alarm rings loudly, an annoying buzzing sound that echoes across the whole house. Changkyun wakes up in a panic, rising from the tangle of blankets and breathing in harshly in a panicked daze, frantically trying to make sense of his surroundings. 

“Calm down, Changkyun-ah, everything’s alright,” Kihyun softly reassures him and Changkyun looks around himself, noticing that everybody is stirring awake.

“Changkyun, listen to me, it’s Saturday morning, do you understand? This isn’t another cycle,” Hyungwon whispers, reaching for his hand and squeezing it softly. Changkyun blinks in clear confusion and Hyungwon bites at his lips before he reaches for his cell phone lying a few feet away from him. He presses it on and hands it to him and Changkyun stares at the digital display, staring at the time and date as if he can’t believe it.

“It’s—it’s Saturday?” Changkyun confirms one more time, wants to be absolutely sure that this isn’t some whacked out dream or hallucination. At the quick nods and words of agreement, Changkyun presses the phone to his chest and closes his eyes, falling to his knees while shaking with relief so strong that he nearly chokes on it. 

“It’s alright, Changkyun-ah,” Hyungwon softly whispers and softly coerces him back under the covers once again. Changkyun allows himself to be drawn into Hyungwon’s arms while the morning slowly continues around them.

Later, Changkyun will have to tell them everything from start to finish. Later, he’ll have to come to terms with his own guilt in imprisoning himself in a time loop. Later, he’ll deal with the trauma of seeing his—bandmates, friends, _family_ —die repeatedly. But that’s later, and right now, Changkyun just wants to sleep. He buries his face into the crook of Hyungwon’s neck and breathes in his scent, the smell of sweat and musk mixed with lavender soap. Somebody else slides in behind him and he has no idea who it is but he draws the arms tighter around himself, enjoying the warmth of the bodies surrounding him. Changkyun breathes in and out slowly and closes his eyes to finally have a good night’s sleep for the first time in one-thousand-six-hundred-and-one days, over four years. 

Surprisingly, he doesn’t dream.

**Author's Note:**

> This is part one of a two-part series. The second part is set six months in the future and goes a lot more in depth about the emotional and psychological effects that Changkyun has to deal with after the time loop finally ends, as well as his relationship with Hyungwon.


End file.
